I hear this complaint a lot from parents, and it’s usually the husband who isn’t “on board.” Sorry guys, but that’s what I hear.

Parenting a traumatized child is hard enough, but when you don’t have the support of your partner it’s difficult if not impossible.I’m going to steal a quote from Nancy, since it’s so good.

It is hard to be the married parents of a child with attachment issues.

It is even harder to be the single parent of a child with attachment issues.

But it is the HARDEST to be the MARRIED, SINGLE parent of a child with attachment issues.

We have times when my husband is not on board. It’s usually over house work and lack of his realizing that being a stay-at-home-mom is very hard work, but for the most part, he gets it.

When Sammy is in my face, destroying the house, threatening to kill me, or whatever other behavior there is, he doesn’t question what I did to set him off.

He has been especially supportive with regards to his parents. For many years they didn’t “get it” even though we endlessly tried to explain it to them. At one point my father in-law said to me:

“Sammy is like a keg of dynamite and dynamite doesn’t go off without a spark. You need to work harder not to spark him.”

You can imagine my reaction to that statement. My husband backed me 110% and my in-laws are now seeing a far clearer picture of Sammy’s issues and accept what we are dealing with.

However, many partners and extended family are stuck in the keg of dynamite theory. They see the issues as mom’s fault, because generally mom is the target of the child’s outrage or hurt. She gets the blame of all the other moms before her. Some of our kids flip a switch and turn into Suzy Charm when dad comes home. Hugs and kisses and questions of how his day was, after mom has endured nothing but hateful behavior all day. This is how our kids have survived. They have learned how to charm, how to manipulate, and who to play up to. I’m not saying it’s their fault. It’s actually the survival technique that has worked well for them, so they’re sticking with it. This happens frequently with parents and teachers as well.

So, what do you do if you partner isn’t getting it?

Videotape – I’m a big fan of video tape. I have used it to save my hide on a few occasions. When Sammy goes into self injury mode, out comes my camera. I can document that he caused the injuries himself so I can not be accused later on. Some kids turn off the behavior as soon as the video camera comes out, which is a win situation for you too because the behavior stops. I have been known to set cameras where kids can’t see them to capture “evidence”. You can also get security cameras with motion detectors that will start recording when the motion detector is activated. See this link for information.

Educate – There are so many books and videos available about attachment and trauma issues. Nancy Thomas has some great information to help partners and extended family understand what life is really like. There are also conferences and trainings that you can attend that will help your partner understand.

Therapy – Whether it’s couples therapy or attachment therapy, get your partner to therapy with you. If you’re doing attachment therapy, your partner should attend as many sessions with you as possible. I understand that work constraints may prohibit that, but having the therapist tell your partner that you’re not crazy can go a long way.

Support groups or on-line groups – Get your partner to join a support group or on-line support group with you. The male population is slowly increasing in these groups and to hear that other parents are going through the same issues, and have the chance to “talk” to other men can be invaluable for your relationship.

Whatever avenue you choose, getting your partner’s support is critical to being able to parenting a traumatized child, and keeping your sanity.

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