Adopting from Foster Care Blog - When should you not adopt your foster child?

Foster Adoption Blog

08/07/06

When should you not adopt your foster child?

Posted by : Michelle Vandepas in Foster Adoption Blog at 08:19 am , 427 words, 431 views
Categories: Parenting, Long Term Foster vs. Adoption

There are times when you might not want to adopt your foster child.

I didn’t understand this concept at first – after all, if you have a child that will be with you until they ‘age out’ of the system, why wouldn’t you want to adopt and make the child legally yours?

When we first got trained as foster-adopt parents, we heard all about nightmare children. These kids had been in a honeymoon period as they were foster children, and then, as soon as the adoption was final, they went crazy, spilling out all their demons, out of control children the parents couldn’t handle. I thought maybe these were instances when you shouldn’t adopt – but I didn’t understand the full picture.

Almost every adoptive parent I have meet wants what is best for their children – and adoption is almost always at the top of the list. But occasionally, there are times when it is best not to adopt.

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If the child is older and doesn't want to be adopted

If the bio-parents are able to keep a connection to their children - but are not able to parent.

If the parent(s) have problems that may someday be resolved.

Or if the child needs additional support from the state

One foster adoptive mom I know has six adopted foster children and has one foster child. She treats the foster child exactly the same as her other children (It is true, I’ve seen her in action), but will not adopt. Why?

This child has big troubles and if she adopted, her level of support from the state would go down for this child. Currently, all her medical and therapeutic expenses are paid for treatment of this child. After adoption they would not be.

This woman has twenty years experiences as a foster mom, and she understands that when this child hits twelve or fourteen, he may be more than she can handle - and she wants the option to put him in residential care if needed - to protect him, herself and her other children.

This sounds very scary to me. Why keep him at all? Because this little boy has been with her already for six years and she is making progress with him.

In the meantime, she is doing everything she knows of, and is learning, to help this child heal. She doesn’t know if it will be enough.

Sound harsh? Maybe, but realistic.

Additional reading:

http://www.fosterparenting.com/foster-care/long-term-foster-care.html

http://www.fosterparenting.com/foster-care/long-term-foster-care.html

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: mommytoEli&Ethan [Member]

This is a good article. Thank you for putting it out there. I totally agree. Sometimes I think if I had been a bit more knowledgable about the problems that some of these children have, I would have adopted only one half of the sibling set I have now. I wonder if my daughter may be too much for us in the future. I try to educate myself about her issues, but I sometimes think she would have faired better in a different kind of family. Also, even though she has medi-cal, we have to use our primary health care first. What this ended up doing to us was it made it impossible for medi-cal to cover her mental health assitance, but it is also not fully covered by our primary provider. That means we pay for every visit out of pocket. I am sure there is a way around this, but the "system" is not easily manuevered. It was much easier to do when she was in the sytem and had a case manager on the inside advocating for her every need. While most children do seem to calm down with permanence, out daughter did the opposite. We have had her for over 3 years, and in some ways, each year is worse than the last. I think that people who have not raised children like this, do not totally understand and are quick to judge a parent's decision over whether or not to adopt a particular child, but it is exactly that, the parent's decision. The parent is the only one who knows what is best for everyone in the family. I wish that instead of pushing adoption, foster and adoption workers would be better at educating parents about coping with children's issues and helping them make an informed decision over whether or not adoption was right for one particular child in this particular family.

Permalink 08/07/06 @ 14:25

Comment from: Sharlene [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/

We would like to think every child should be adopted. However, some of the very troubled children need to remain in the DHS system so that they can receive the full benefits and quality help that is needed.

Adopting a child like this only causes financil hardships on the adoptive parents. We know this first hand because of April.

I wish the state would flag these children and seek permanant foster homes for the child rather than letting them be adopted and the adoptive family suffer so much.

Here it is ....our daughter is 17 and she will not hear of staying at home with us until she is 18.
We still owe 18,000 in court fees for her misbehavior. We will be held responsible for these fees long after she is on her own. To me that is not fair.

So think before you adopt a troubled child.

Permalink 08/07/06 @ 15:02

Comment from: Michelle Vandepas [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/

Wow! Thanks for such complete responses guys.. and thoughtful comments. I know that adopting older children can work, of course, but some families are more equiped to deal with specific issues.....

Permalink 08/08/06 @ 17:50

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