Quite often parents ask “How do you know when your child is attached?” There is no cut and dry answer for this. There are too many variables at play. How old is the child, what type of attachment issues does the child have (anxious, ambivalent, confused) how severe is the attachment disorder and so on.

Both Sammy and Hannah are attached, but in very different ways, and that’s not to say that we don’t have attachment and trauma issues come up at various times.

I’ll start with Sammy since his attachment doesn’t always look like attachment. Sammy loves us and knows that we are his parents and that we are always there for him. When something goes wrong, he turns to us for support and advice. However, for Sammy, living in a family is very difficult because he still has difficulties maintaining intimate relationships. How can I say he is attached and say that he can’t do family? Because his level of attachment has grown greatly over the years, and I truly believe if something were to happen to my husband or me, Sammy would be greatly traumatized by the loss of a parent, just as he was by losing his birth parents.

In all the different placements that Sammy has had, with the exception of one, the staff or foster parents have indicated how strong his love for us is and how much he wants to be home. This matches what we have seen from him, and I’m pretty good at gauging superficial comments.

While this is not the ideal attachment or what most parents see as their adoption dream, it is what we have accepted because he has come so far.

Hannah is the exact opposite. She is truly and completely attached. Her attachment started quickly, but I was a different type of parent with her because I had so much more knowledge when Hannah joined our family. She has been fully attached for about a year and comments like the one she made when we were cuddling in bed the other morning show how well she attached she is. We were talking about what she wanted to be when she grew up. She gave the standard answer of rockstar, supermodel, teacher, and other things that six year olds normally say. The answer that showed her attachment was when she said “I want to be you when I grow up mama.” I jokingly asked her how she could be when I was already me and she gave an answer that warmed my heart. She said “I want to do what you do. I want to teach my kids how to make cakes, and how to ride bikes and be just like you.”

This is the answer that an emotionally healthy child who loves her mom would give. Hannah also said she wants to work on the “ambleanc” like daddy. This shows that the lessons that we have tried to instill in her have stuck and she has a true feeling of family and belonging. As with Sammy, I believe that she would be traumatized if she lost either my husband or me.

Although my kids show it very differently, they are both attached in their own way. With these examples, you can see how there is no one way that you can say that a child is attached. Watch for the changes in your child and look for the small things. It may not be the ideal attachment, but you will know when your child has made the commitment to you as a parent.

Photo credit - Kelly L. Killian