I have talked in passing on several blogs about my family not being part of my life. They’re not. Of the over 70 members of my extended family I have contact with less than a handful.

As I posted in a previous blog,four years ago my mother went to social services and accused me of child abuse, and virtually all of the family jumped on the bandwagon with her. They don’t get it and their continued involvement in my children’s lives would be toxic, so we parted ways.

It’s not to say it didn’t hurt and some days still does hurt, but I certainly don’t miss the constant drama and criticism. As the old saying goes, “Walk a mile in my shoes…”

I was the first person in our family to have a “special needs” child. We received very little education and pretty much had to learn on the fly. If I tried to talk about Sammy’s issues, I got many of the same responses that I’m sure you have all heard.

“All kids do that.”

“You’re blowing it out of proportion.”

“If you would just lighten up.”

“You’re over analyzing things.”

These responses came in regard to things like Sammy’s repeated stealing (which is still an issue eight and a half years later), his hitting his female cousin (after witnessing domestic violence in his birth home), taking a Playboy centerfold to school (in the third grade), playing with matches (again, still an issue) and many other things that may have appeared minor on the surface, but when put together as a package were extremely frustrating.

So how you deal with family members like this? There are basically two ways to go. You can try to educate them, or can limit contact and/or what you say. You will have to decide what is best for you and how much you want your family in your life.

Nancy Thomas has a DVD called “The Circle of Support” which explains a little bit about attachment issues and parenting styles. It is a good “basic” video.

At ATN, we have a booklet called “Supporting Attachment in Adoptive Families.” It is a 16 page booklet that details some of the basic questions in attachment parenting, like why I don’t let people other than me hug my daughter, why do I have to parent differently, and other basic concepts. One mom that bought it put on the back of her toilet so that people could read it when they came to visit and no one would know that they had. This was especially helpful for those people that are extremely skeptical.

You can order some of the DVDs or CDs from ATN’s last two conferences. They talk about all different issues in parenting traumatized children. Everything from fetal alcohol issues, respite, EMDR, as well as a few sessions by adult adoptees.

Encourage your family to attend adoption classes or seminars with you. Sometimes hearing that other families are dealing with the same issues, and that they are equally frustrated may give some validation to what you are saying.

I’m not guaranteeing that any of these will help, they certainly would not have with my family, but if you want to maintain some peace and a relationship, it might be worth a try.

No matter what you decide, know that there are plenty of foster and adoptive parents who struggle with this same issue every day.

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