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When a new child enters your home, it may be confusing as to what the child should call you. Do you want to start out with Mom and Dad right away? Does it make a difference if the child is a foster child?
There are many differing opinions on this. When Sammy first joined our family he called us by our first names. He didn’t think of us as Mom and Dad. He’d been through several of those already. The day/night he changed was when my cousin came over to play with him. My uncle is only 4 years older than I am so his kids are close the same ages as my kids. As soon as he learned his new cousin was coming over to play he said “Thank you Mom” and never called me anything else after that. I don’t know why that was his “turning point” but it was.
When Hannah came, she didn’t know she was coming to live here. She had been here for respite several times and that’s what she thought again. We didn’t tell her she was staying until everything with guardianship was final in court. She called me Miss Kelly at first and then switched to Mama once we told her that she would be staying forever.
When Kory came Mommy and Daddy were the first things out of his mouth. When we arrived for our first visit in his foster home, he was jumping up and down and yelling “My new Mommy and Daddy are here.” The welcome book that we gave him had our first names and said that we wanted to be his Mommy and Daddy. He made the choice from there. I’m sure his foster mom had much to do with that, as well as the worker who was helping to prepare him for his new family and home.
My kids call their previous parents Mama _______ (insert first name here) and Daddy ______ (first name). They use this with birth parents, foster parents or prior adoptive parents. We are fine with this because these people were their parents in whatever capacity. If we chose to fight this, the kids would fight it as well and it would disrespect the relationships that are important to them.
For some kids Mom and Dad are names rather than “positions” in a family. They view Mom the same as they would view the names Mary, Jane, or Sally. They have been through enough homes that the “position” of Mom doesn’t mean anything. They don’t feel warm and fuzzy using the word. It’s simply how you address someone. When Sammy made that switch and started calling me mom, it was because he felt it.
The choice of what you want your child to call you is up to you. Be aware that your child may not feel the same way and may want to call you by your first name. You may want to compromise and use something like “Mom Kelly” especially with an older child who has strong opinions, and may have moved quite a bit. The more you make an issue out of it, the more your child know it is important to you and it can become a hot button for your child to push.
My friends had this problem. One ex’s family made the kids call him and his new wife mommy and dad. My friend and her boyfriend didn’t force the issue. Well, now the kids don’t see them as mommy and daddy.
It’s strange. I don’t really know what the answer is. But, it does make you wonder.
This is one I feel strongly about, because I really want to hear a child call me “Mommy.” Our little girl is almost 12 and only lost her mom a few months ago, so we will definitely let her set the pace. Kaleb is not comfortable with the “dad” word at all right now, but I am sure he will warm up to it once the kids are here.