I had dinner on Sunday night with some friends. Two of them I have known through the cyber world and in person for a couple of years now. The other was a couple that I met in person for the first time. I have known the mom as a cyber friend for about a year, and had never talked with her husband. We had a great time at dinner.

However, I watched my new friend struggle. She is working on one of the hard questions in parenting, and especially in dealing with difficult children. Do you love your child? She feels that she does not, but I whole heartedly disagree with her. We have “talked” on-line quite a bit and I can feel the love she has for her kids.

So what exactly is love? Is it looking at your child and getting a warm, fuzzy feeling thinking how blessed you are to have them? Is it missing the child any time they are out of your sight? Is it being willing to give up a kidney or liver lobe if the child needs a transplant?

This mom has researched, advocated, is getting therapy, is traveling across the country for services, you name it. To me, that is love. If you don’t love your child, you don’t try this hard.

When parenting older and difficult children, you don’t always have the chance to have that warm, fuzzy feeling toward your kids. How can you feel warm and fuzzy when there is a string of “I hate you” or curse words coming your way? Should I bust with pride because my son has a colorful vocabulary? As the dishes and phones are flying across the room at my head, should I be praising what a powerful arm he has? No, this is reality.

This same mom was also told by a family member that she couldn’t unconditionally love her kids because she hadn’t given birth to them. WHAT? Just because a child did not spring forth from my womb means that my love has limits? Not a chance. My kids are my kids no matter how they came to me or how long they were here. I can’t have kids, so I don’t know what it’s like to love a biological child, but I can’t imagine that I would love that child “more” than the kids I have.

I understand this mom’s frustration. I have been in her place, in fact a little over a year ago I broke down in tears during the song “Testify to Love” by Avalon, because I didn’t think I loved my son. It was about three months into Sammy’s first residential treatment placement, and I didn’t miss him at all. I was relieved he was gone. I spent time talking to a wonderful lady who worked me through it, and I realized that some days you love your kids differently.

That is one of the downsides to parenting a tough kid. There are times when you do nothing but give, and end up feeling completely empty and yes, even bitter or angry. There are days when we get things back from our kids. As I assemble the scrapbook for Sammy’s birthday, I will see some of those times. I’m not sure it will negate the feelings of despair I have right now, but it will help to see that there have been good days, and that I have gotten back from emotionally.

Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy's heart instead of her tummy. ~Author Unknown

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