We had our monthly team meeting today and a small birthday celebration for Sammy. We knew this was not going to be a good meeting, but some things were worse than I expected.

Sammy is increasing the number of altercations with another boy in the treatment foster home, and if they become physical again, the police will be called. My husband and I are in agreement with this.

In addition, Sammy stole a piece of jewelry from the foster mother. She said it was only about a $20 value, but that’s not the issue. He gave it to another child in school, and now is unable to get the item back. The police will be called and he will likely be charged with theft.

Sammy has shown no remorse or guilt over the theft of the item or the inability to get it returned. When this discussion made him take responsibility for his actions, he became angry, left the room, stormed upstairs, slammed doors, was screaming, etc. The same things we see at home. He has approached a point where he is unafraid of showing his behaviors in front of others. That in itself bothers me.

I could see in the foster mother’s face, her actions, and her voice, that she is about done with Sammy. The theft was the final straw. Afterward I told my husband that I’d be surprised if lasts the summer there.

Our most extensive conversation was on his home passes, and how they would be handled. He will not be required to “earn” them with his behavior, which I somewhat disagree with. The case manager felt that Sammy would sabotage his behavior prior to his home pass if he felt he didn’t want to go. While I agree with that, we feel that there should be something that Sammy has to do on his part to earn the passes. We are coming up with a list of behaviors that Sammy must follow during a home pass, or the pass will end early.

We sat at dinner and come up with these family or house rules. All four of us had input into this list.

• No swearing

• No arguing

• No property damage

• No threats of violence

• Do assigned chores

• No lying

• No smoking

• No stealing

• Give Mom hugs & kisses

• No hitting

• If you’re mad talk about it

• If you have questions – ask them

• No throwing things

• Speak respectfully

• Be kind

• Eat nicely

• No nonsense chatter

• No staring

• No knives

• No lighters, cigarettes or cigars

• No porn

It baffles me that we have to have this list. After all, aren’t these things pretty “normal” behavior? Do I really have to put this in writing and grade my 14 year old son on a point system for these behaviors? The answer is – Yes! This is a new reality in my life, defining acceptable behavior. We have done various forms of this through the years, but never so clearly spelled out. The number of points he earns during a pass will determine the length of the pass. If he does one of the things on the list, he will lose points and the pass can be cut short. Are there things I’m missing?

On a bright side, the worker from the treatment foster care program gave us some kudos for sticking with him and for trying everything under the sun.

We have three weeks to emotionally prepare for the next home pass, and it will probably take that long.

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