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Over the weekend I got to see my beautiful niece, Lisa. I don’t get to spend as much time with her as I’d like so any time with her is treasured.
Lisa and my son, Sammy, are two months apart in age, but worlds apart in maturity. Talking with her made me contemplate what could have been if Sammy had not had all the issues that he has had to deal with in his life.
The early part of Lisa’s life was less than desirable. My brother did not knowledge her existence or his paternity for the first almost seven years of her life. Lisa officially joined our family about six weeks after Sammy’s adoption was finalized so their time with us is very similar.
Some of Lisa’s friends are the same friends that Sammy had when he lived with us and attended school in our community. She has only lived in our community for the past year. Previously she lived with her mom and attended a different school. Starting her freshman year of high school in a brand new school with a bunch of people she didn’t know was very stressful for her, but she handled it beautifully. To say that I am proud of her is an understatement. She is an amazing young woman.
The fact that she and Sammy are the same age many might expect them to have a close relationship. That is not the case. Sammy asks about Lisa occasionally and he sees that she is living the life he could have had. He knows that she is now friends with his old friends. However, Lisa is very aware of Sammy’s issues. In their early years together Lisa tried very hard to be patient and understanding with Sammy, but he stole from her and picked on her so regularly that she learned to be wary of him.
When I see pictures from Lisa’s homecoming, see her at school events, or see her name in the paper because of her great grades it reminds me that Sammy should be alongside her in these accomplishments and events. Intellectually he has the capabilities but socially he is far behind Lisa. Things like fetal alcohol effects and bi-polar disorder, combined with his emotional issues prevent him from living the life I had dreamed of for him.
We all have dreams for our kids and want them to live the best life possible and accomplish everything they set their minds to. My dreams for Sammy were simply for a “normal” life. They never included his being in juvenile detention or residential treatment.
I know that Sammy has talked about things he wants to do with his life, but he does not follow through on the steps needed to make any of it happen. He wants to play football for the University of Texas, but would not, or maybe could not, stop criminal activity, maintain decent grades, or follow through on his court ordered program. We talked many times about the steps he had to take to gain a football scholarship, but it never went beyond those discussions.
I know that Lisa will achieve anything she tries and if her dream of law school continues that she will be a great lawyer some day. I wish I could say the same for my son.
Photo credit – Lisa and Me
