Part of living with a child like Sammy is that you get used to your child expressing emotions in the form of a “big bomb”. Sammy would let us know that something was bothering him in various ways. It usually involved property damage, violence, or self-mutilation.

This is bad on various different levels, but it is hardest on Hannah. She has not had to witness his explosions, but she has lost out in other ways. I anticipated that Christmas would be tough for her. Partly because it’s the first Christmas in our home and partly because tomorrow is the anniversary of her move date. While I am normally adverse to moving a child at the holidays, in Hannah’s case it was best for her.

Hannah was sending me signals that she was struggling, but I missed them big time. I was waiting for the “big bomb” that I normally get from Sammy. Hannah doesn’t do big emotions. She does six year old emotions. She had been having bad dreams, which happens when something is bothering her. In the chaos of the holidays I neglected to follow through on it. We had minor acting out incidents. They were especially minor in comparison to Sammy’s behaviors and to what I was expecting.

Finally on the 23rd I had reached my breaking point. I was up to my eyeballs in Christmas preparations and couldn’t handle another acting out episode. Hannah and I had an exchange that wasn’t very pretty, and I pushed hard on her to put words to her emotions. She broke down crying saying she didn’t know what she was feeling. I asked her if I could tell her what I thought might be bothering her, and she said yes.

I told her that I thought she might be scared that she was going to have to move again. The flood gates of emotions opened and the tears came in buckets. A simple nod of her head told me I was on the right track. I scooped her up and we headed to the couch for a good “therapy session”. For an hour she cried and grieved and let all the emotions out. It was one of the best things she has ever done.

She also brought up something that I had not considered. She knew that Kory and Mackenzie lived her but are now gone. She assumed that we had gotten rid of them because they didn’t behave. WHOA! That one had never crossed my mind. I explained to her in the simplest terms I could why the kids no longer lived here. I assured her that we never wanted them to leave and that she wasn’t leaving either. I also assured her that even though Sammy doesn’t live here that he is our son. We discussed the fact that he has been in trouble with the police many times and that he has to live someplace else so he can get help. He was home for the day yesterday, at Hannah’s request. Having her brother home for Christmas was very important to her.

The basic gist of what I’m trying to say is that each child is different. The quiet ones can get lost in the shadow of the more explosive and “high maintenance” child. Don’t forget to watch for those more subtle signs.

Photo credit - Hannah decorating Christmas cookies a couple hours before her meltdown