One of the biggest services that we offer at ATN is free of charge and easy to do. It’s validation.



Yesterday, shortly after I wrote my blog, I spent over an hour on the phone with a mom who seriously needed help. Her 11 year old daughter is very similar to Sammy.

All of us on the staff of ATN take phone calls from parents in crisis. We listen while moms (usually) pour out their story, and most times cry. What helps them is when we agree with them, tell them it’s happened to us too, and tell them that they are not alone.

This happens on our list serves as well. Parents validate each others feelings and let other parents know that they are not alone.

When I was talking to this mom yesterday, she told me certain things and I laughed. I was not being insensitive, but I know the feelings she is having. One such incident was about her daughter being a very convincing liar. She said there were times that she saw her daughter do things, but she flat out lied to her mother about it. Her daughter was such a convincing liar that she was questioning HERSELF about what she saw. This is something that is common in our house as well.

When I laughed, she asked me if I had heard of this before. I gave her a 30 second synopsis of Sammy, and she knew she was talking to a kindred spirit. She knew that she didn’t have to justify her actions or defend things that she did. At times like this you can almost hear the weight go off the parent’s shoulders.

I received my own type of validation yesterday. I received a call from Sammy’s foster mother. We were discussing some treatment things that we need to address. She then told me that Sammy had not been doing very well the last couple of weeks. When she told me what he was doing, I just about jumped up and started dancing. I had been fighting with social services about these behaviors. He did not exhibit them in a residential setting, only at home, therefore it must be my bad parenting that is causing these things.

Even though I knew my parenting was not causing this, it was so relieving to hear someone else say it. And I’ve been doing this for 8 years! For parents who are new into foster care and adoption, it can be the difference between struggling or succeeding.

Are you being validated or are you living having to defend yourself? If you need support or a place to talk to others who understand, check out the Adoption.com forums, the ATN list serves, or come to the ATN conference in August. Or better yet, do all 3.

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