e-mail
Every parent has been the “victim” of triangulation at some point. You’ve probably done it yourself. Mom said no so you want to dad and asked him, hoping that he would say yes. Then mom and dad found out what you had done and you got in trouble. Does any of this ring a bell?
With our kids the “game” is much more serious than this. Sometimes they will tell a teacher that mom and dad don’t feed them or that they are left alone. It can result in a child abuse investigation.
We have played the game with Sammy all these years, and even while he has been in foster care and residential treatment centers. He has told people that we won’t buy him the things he needs like new clothes and shoes or whatever he feels he can get from someone.
The latest thing actually had me laughing and feeling sorry for the person who wrote it. She honestly feels that she was able to reach my child and that he wasn’t conning her.
Here is the e-mail. It is from the special education teacher at the school he just left.
We will all miss Sammy tremendously. He made a lot of progress while he was here, and I only hope he can keep moving forward.
I requested to receive info about his next placement, and school he will attend. I and the assistant principal, want to help him transition by being there for him during one of his first days at school. We want to do anything possible to make his transition easier for him.
I will send you a copy of his most current IEP, as well as the one that you gave us. Thank you for all of your input. Best of luck to all of you!!
The truth is, Sammy did not make progress. He was somewhat more complaint, but was still receiving suspensions, still failing almost all of classes, and still disrupting the class on a regular basis. He was also only in this school for three months.
I have no doubt that Sammy gave them a sob story to make them feel sorry for him. It’s not unusual, and I stated earlier, for many kids it is a survival technique, but Sammy’s has become a con game.
For the kids that use triangulation for survival, or what they feel is survival, they will play the perfect and compliant student at school while their behaviors at home are wearing their parents out. When the parents talk to the teachers and the teachers are talking about what a wonderful child Johnny is in class, the parents look bewildered and then tell the teacher what life is like at home. The teacher then thinks the parents are overbearing and harsh, when they are only being realistic.
This is behavior has served the kids well in their lives in their birth home. They could get teachers and other responsible adults to help them get the things that they truly needed, like food, clothing and attention.
However, when they kids move into a loving home that is meeting every need, the behavior may not stop. It is extremely frustrating as a parent to have to defend yourself. We started to videotape Sammy’s behaviors so that we would have a record of things that he did just in case we ever had to go through an investigation again.
If you encounter a child like this, be sure to listen to the parents involved. If they tell you they have or are seeing a different side of this child, listen with an open mind.
