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I have blogged before about how transitions are hard for our kids, especially if it involves moving to a new home, which is a major change, even for a kid who doesn’t “do family.”
Sammy’s placement is disrupting yet again. He knows this now and the transition is not going well, but then again, it never does. He knows that his actions are the reason that he is leaving, but he doesn’t want to admit that. Instead, he’d rather sabotage what time is left.
In Sammy’s world, having and maintaining control is the most important thing. He has said time and again that he wants to come home, and we have said time and again that it is the one thing that he has complete control over in his life. If he chooses to make positive changes in his life, he can come back home. If he doesn’t, he’ll remain in different placements.
Sammy has done exactly what we expected of him, and he is working very hard to sabotage this placement, and he is succeeding. His safety, as well as the safety of the other kids is a major concern. This is his way of maintaining control over the situation. He is going to decide when he leaves. He is essentially trying to “reject” the foster parents, rather than them “rejecting” him. It doesn’t matter to him that his behaviors are the cause of this, it’s all the foster parents’ fault.
He is like so many of our kids who protect their hearts by not allowing themselves to get close to anyone. If they get close, they will sabotage things so that they can move rather than allowing their hearts to soften and let someone love them and let themselves love someone else. They would rather remain in chaos and change. It is a sad way to live, but it is what our kids prefer.
Breaking down the wall of these defenses and convincing the kids that this is not in their best interest, or the best way to live is very difficult. I have been trying to get this through to Sammy for nine years now, without much success. He has spent his life in limbo and will continue to do so. It looks like he will be moving to a temporary placement in the next few days for the safety of everyone involved, and then on to a new residential placement. He has no problem with this, and can’t wait to get out of the foster home, but not before he repairs the hole he put in the wall, and repaints the bedroom.
I will never understand the need or desire to live this way.
This sounds much like our ordeal with our oldest son, adopted at age 10, now 17. For four years now, he has disrupted every possible placement and, though he now has consistently maintained that we are his family and we’re not EVIL for over a year, he is still going downhill. Back into juvenile correctional facilities for the second time around, and who knows what will happen since he’ll be 18 in August. We’ve learned to “love from afar” and “love while letting go.” It’s never easy, but it’s a part of the “battle” for their lives.
AMEN!