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My top ten intrusive question number three is pretty basic but I find it entirely irritating. “Are they brothers?”
Many of the questions that bother me have to do with alienating my children. We work hard every day to make a life for our boys where they feel at ease and comfortable with themselves. We want them to feel like normal kids. We do things like other families do, trying to have as routine a life as possible. We try to put the boys on meds that don’t need to be taken during the school day. We try to make sure that the kids have moderately “cool” clothes and shoes. We try to help them blend in as much as possible. Our kids stick out plenty without us making it worse. They need some normalcy in their lives. Normalcy provides a bit of stability that they have never had.
So, when we are out in public or at a family function and someone approaches us with the question, “Are they brothers?”, our normal cover is blown. This is not a question that is asked of people who have bio kids. People don’t ask this question randomly. They ask this question of families who have adopted children. I have even heard the wonderful, “Which ones are yours and which ones are adopted?” Really people. Let’s get ourselves together here and have some basic tact. If they call me mom, they are mine and they are brothers. End of story.
Many of my top ten most intrusive questions are a case of curiosity snatching up the cat. I understand that people wonder about our family. I’m pretty sure when we add an African American sib group to the mix, they will have many more insane questions and comments for us. I know that we look odd in some ways. We are clearly a bit young to have these two older kiddos. But, your curiosity is not outside of your control. We don’t walk up to people in wheelchairs and ask them to tell us how they got there. (I hope we don’t!) We don’t run around all willy nilly asking our neighbors who their visitor was at 11 pm. We don’t ask our parents how their sex life is going. There are just some things that we don’t do and questions we don’t ask. We are all curious about many crazy things. We all look out the window when the cops are at our neighbors house and we all wonder why the 60 year old guy at Starbucks is sitting so closely to what looks to be his 20 year old girlfriend. We wonder, but we don’t ask.
It may seem harmless to some to ask if my boys are brothers. I can sort of understand that. But it isn’t harmless. It is intrusive and it breaks their fragile facade of normal. When this question is asked, it is really about wanting to know what has happened to our kids and how the ended up here. It is loaded with other follow up questions and comments. As harmless as some things seem, it is important to remember that our children are trying to make it through the day without everyone noticing that they are adopted. They are vulnerable, sensitive boys who would like to avoid a daily dive into their past.
People need to remember that their curiosity doesn’t always have to be answered. Let adoptive families alone for a while. My kids don’t want to be the poster child for adoption any more than your kids want to be the poster child for the latest zit cream. Let my kids slide under the radar for a bit. Stop asking every question that comes to mind. If something is really getting to you, ask it when the kids aren’t around. By that I mean, they aren’t in the room or the building or on the premises. When they approach us and you clam up and get real quiet, they know that you are talking about them. Please, cut my kids a break.
Photo Credit: 2009 Renee Eaton.
I know exactly how you feel My little boy was adopted in a sort of different way than most kids I was very young and his mother wanted nothing to do with him. I started out babysitting one thing led to another and he was mine. I loved him from the first moment I saw hime. I knew he was meant to be my son. whenever ppl see him they always say he looks like his Michael (which is his adopted daddy and the only one he knows . That comment would be okay except they say “and thats wierd since hes not his real dad” or they look a lot alike considering. ANd I know that they mean no harm however it doesnt vchange the fact that he is my child noone elses I may not have given birth do him by god but I love him and I provide for hime HES MINE!!!
some children have only really been abused by the people who lie to get them taken from their parents much like kidnapping. People who keep children against their will are criminals.if you didn’t give birth to the child you are not the mother.
Amen Sister!
Agreed! My older 2 boys are white while the 2 little guys are AA. All the time I get asked the brothers question, while yes they are brothers ALL my boys are brothers. We are trying to balance this question in our world because I don’t want the biology aspect to have a greater importance on the relationship between all my boys, we are a family no matter what the DNA says.
Add in the rude question about the little boys when I say well yes they are biological brothers people who don’t even know us push even further and ask “half brothers”? Like there is no way they could have the same mother AND father.
Can anyone help us? My husband and I would like to adopt a baby but we don’t know where to start, we are thinking along the lines of a drug addicted infant if anyong can help us with any info please email me at tawnif@yahoo.com….thanks
at least if the baby was drug addicted you would know that he/she wasn’t taken from good parents who are victims are cps bullshit. i say go for it. obviously the mother is a dumb ass if she’s on drugs. but you might want to make sure the birthfather is a real dumbass too before you take the child. there’s nothing wrong with helping children who don’t have good parents but a lot of good parents are losing their rights and the children are the ones who suffer.
Helllo Tawnif
I have adopted 2 girls from the foster care system. They are currently getting ready to turn 2 and 3. It has been the best decision of my life. I would love to share with you our story and about adopting with the foster care system. I have also been teaching 2nd grade for 15 years and have worked with MANY Drug addicited (at birth) children over they years. There are so many options in adoption with the county.
Let me know if you are interested.
Twinkler
Hi Twinkler,
I too am a 2nd grade teacher! my husband and I have just started looking into Foster-adoption. I would love to know more about your story and a little more about what to expect.
Krishvidt
Ronald Steven Federici is often described as “the country’s expert in the neuropsychological evaluation and treatment of children having multi-sensory neurodevelopmental impairments.”
He is best described as a “developmental neuropsychologist,” specializing in the treatment of “institutional autism” (which he also calls “post-traumatic autism,” or “post-institutional autistic syndrome”).
Dr. Federici is licensed by the Virginia Board, and is the holder of a Psy. D. degree.
Dr. Ronald Federici is the author of “Help for the Hopeless Child: A Guide for Families, With Special Discussion for Assessing and Treating the Post-Institutionalized Child” and is the founder of Neuropsychological and Family Practice Associates, in McLean, Virginia.
He has worked with adopted children from Russia, Romania, Ukraine and Belarus. He is also the father to seven adopted children of his own.
Federici is also an outspoken opponent of dangerous practices, such as those resulting in the death of Candace Newmaker. In addition, he has also sought to provide as much assistance as possible to children living in orphanages and other institutions with deplorable conditions.
More information about Dr. Federici and his work can be found at:
http://ronaldfederici.wordpress.com (Ronald Federici blog)
http://ronfederici.wordpress.com (Ron Federici blog)
http://childrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Children in Therapy)
http://advocatesforchildrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Advocates for Children in Therapy)
http://angelinajolieadoptions.wordpress.com (Angelina Jolie’s adoptions; Dr. Federici is Angelina Jolie’s adoption consultant)
We are currently trying to adopt our foster daughter and it amazes me when people ask, right in front of her,”Are you gonna get to keep her?” Talk about making a child feel insecure.
I understand what you’re saying about that! I get asked that too right in front of the kids ALL the time and it’s awful!
Ah, yes. With 10 children, ranging in age from 1 year to 15 years old, and raging in race from Caucasian, to Hispanic, biracial, and Nigerian, we get all sorts of stares everywhere we go. I’ve had cashiers argue with me that my Daughter (15 is not my own) because I was just 24 when we adopted her at the age of 14. I’ve argue that, yes, she is my daughter,” end of story, and not gone into any more detail about our family make up, as I feel it is my daughter who can decide when and where she would like to share her whole life story!
Read more about our very large family…
http://web.me.com/drusher/FindingLove
I am a new foster parent and awaiting my first placement. I am interested in foster to adopt. I would like any information anybody is able to share with me. So far my experience with the whole thing has been very frustrating. I just would like somebody’s insight… Thanks
My husband and I have been certified as foster-to-adopt parents since 5/08. We had a three placement opportunities this past year, but none of them worked out.
Then, out of the blue, on June 2, 2009, we were blessed with a very promising placement. We now have a little boy in our care who is 3.5 years old, is beautiful, and it looks like we may actually be able to adopt him as early as next spring.
All I can tell you is that we were just as frustrated as you sound until we got the call on this little guy this June.
First, my husband and I struggled with the decision to adopt for quite a while. We began the paper work process with a local county SS dept. in 2005. We were really having a difficult time coming to terms with my infertility and the reality that we would no longer be able to have another biological child. (We were blessed with one bio son in 2001 who is now
and then could never get pregnant again, despite numerous surgeries, medication regimes, etc. We knew we could continue to go further in our attempts to conceive (and still could) with IVF, etc., but didn’t feel comfortable taking that step.
Then, when we were finally ready to “take the leap” into adoption and got certified, we had to wait for what seemed like forever in between calls of potential placements. We were asking for a boy or girl under the age of 4. At first, we were only looking at caucasian children. Then, after waiting for 7 months after our first failed placement opportunity, we broadened our profile to include hispanic children.
We were very uncertain when the case worker called to tell us that she had a potential placement for us and that he was a 3.5 year old hispanic boy.
In reality, I was really dreaming of a little caucasian girl with blonde hair and blue eyes — like the rest of our family. However, two out of our three failed placement opportunities were blonde haired, blue eyed little boys. We just knew that they were not the right fit for our family. I began to be very afraid that I wouldn’t be able to adopt — that I was not capable of loving a child that was not biologically my own. I even started to think that having one biological child had “ruined” my ability to adopt and that I wouldn’t be able to love an adopted child the same as our son. We almost took our names off the list.
When the case worker called early this June, she said that she knew we had just recently broadened our profile to include hispanic children, and said she was just going to bring this possibility to our attention and “throw it out there” to see what we thought. I would never have dreamed that the “right fit” for our family would be this little hispanic boy — but it is!!
Everyone at social services and in our trainings told me that when the “right” child came along — we would know it without a doubt. I was very skeptical about their comments, and thought “they definitely don’t know me”. However, they were right.
I don’t know if my husband is quite ready to move forward yet, but I already have a plan in my head and heart to broaden our family to include a couple of little girls as well, but now I know that it is OK to say “no” to a placement opportunity, and that the right child/children is out there for us and is out there for you too.
Try to stick with it and have faith that your little one is out there. He/she may not even have been born yet, but that little one has your name on him/her and is just waiting to be united with his forever parents. If you ever need to chat –please let me know!!
TRY HONESTY MORON!
Hope you are still around ReneeE. I enjoy reading your posts.