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Number six in my top ten intrusive questions list is actually more of a statement than a question. It comes in many forms but it always comes down to one basic idea: “All that kid needs is a good whoopin’.”
This lovely little bit of input can come from strangers, relatives, men, and women. It knows no socioeconomic or age boundaries and is not deterred by basic common sense. Maybe it is because we live in the 30-years-behind-the-times State of Kansas or maybe it is just because people have no ability to think before speaking but this statement is so common.
So many people believe that all children are alike and there is one formula for raising them. Most of these people are actual parents which makes the situation even more confusing. Biological or adopted, there isn’t a single child who is the carbon copy of another. No child is the same and so no child can be disciplined the same.
Now, children who have spent their lives in abusive situations fall into a whole other category of discipline. A child who has been hit for no reason will not respond well to being hit for disciplinary reasons. In fact, it will further traumatize that child. Children who have been abused live in a constant state of fear until they have settled into a safe environment where they know they will be free from abuse. “Whoopin’” a traumatized child is never the answer to any problem.
Children from abusive situations need loving, firm, consistent parents who help them talk through their behaviors and frustrations. Parents of kids who’ve been in care need to be flexible, constantly adapting to their child’s ever-changing emotions.
It is important to remember, as innocent bystanders of the havoc-wreaking of others’ children, that there is never one blanket answer for the problems of all children. Let’s all try to give one another some grace!
Photo Credit.
In to many cases a “good whoppin’” is what gets kids into foster care in the first place. I was actually flabbergasted at our foster parent training at how any potential foster parents actually argued with the instructor when they where told they could not physically discipline a foster child. Even if the kid is a relative? I came away from the class feeling sad for kids going into relative placements.
Renee,
Thank you for your post on this topic. So many people are quick to
suggest the one-size fits all solutions. It is always easier to make quick judgments from the outside looking in.
Before my bio. son was diagnosed with ADHD in preschool, several people told me that he needed more spankings to get him under control. My father was certain that it was a “parenting” deficit that was causing the problems. The ADHD gene runs strong on my husband’s side of the family. Now, 6 years later, my father (& the others) believe in the validity of ADHD and see the positive results of appropriate intervention.
I also agree with Nancy Mae’s comment. In our foster parenting class there were some scary adults and I wouldn’t wish for any children to live with them. How can you KNOW all of the answers BEFORE you even meet the child you will be fostering and/or adopting? That’s impossible!
My plan is to remain open to learning new strategies for the rest of my life. Nothing is set in stone and things that work/don’t work are constantly changing with each child that we parent. When I’m going through a difficult season of parenting, I like to think that God gave me the child that He did because He knows I can handle the responsibility… with His help of course.