My in-laws were in town this past weekend and had a wonderful time with Hannah. This was the first time they had met her, and the first time they had spent time with a happy, emotionally healthy grand child.

In Nancy’s analogy of zebras vs. horses, she says

…. but the child's tendency to be the first to startle and the last to relax will always remain.

This became very apparent with Hannah this past weekend. Her trauma stripes showed in subtle ways. To the average person looking at her, she was a “normal” child interacting with her grandparents and trying some “normal” things. My in-laws spoiled her, as grandparents do, and I don’t fault them for that. They have a grandchild they can do that with.

However, their visit combined with the anniversary of her move to our home a year ago brought out some insecurities and some complex issues for her. Some of which she wasn’t even able to name. Others could be named once I gave her the words for them.

Fear of being removed – Even though she was thrilled to see Grandma and Grandpa and to spend time with them, she was afraid they would be taking her with her when they left. When we went to visit Sammy, she asked to ride in the car with Grandma and Grandpa, but during the drive (about 45 minutes) she continually asked where we were. She had to be able to see our car at all times.

Fear of abuse – Hannah spent a good part of the weekend being bounced on Grandpa’s lap. She voluntarily climbed in his lap on many occasions, but one thing was very obvious to me. While she sat in his lap, she would not sit facing him. Her abuse came at the hands of her biological grandfather, so this was not surprising to me, and probably would not have alerted the average parent, but it was an alert to me. While he was bouncing her, Grandpa was holding her, and his hands were at her chest. She pushed his hands down to her waist. She quickly established the boundaries on her own. Smart girl.

Fear of loss of structure/rules – Many times during the weekend Hannah was “checking” to see if the rules still applied while Grandma and Grandpa were here. She would try something that she knew was not allowed in our home, but was checking to see if I would “catch” her and if I would still implement the rules. This is normal for any kid, but my reaction was crucial to her sense of safety. When I repeatedly reminded her that the rules didn’t change, she knew I was still protecting her.

We still did “cuddle time” while my in-laws were here. Hannah needed that part of the routine to remain to help her feel safe and that the structure remained.

Fortunately, my in-laws have learned along with us over the years, and are willing to listen to us when it comes to how to handle different things. This makes it far easier to bounce back from the changes in our routine. I know contact will remain strong and I am grateful for that. This is a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Photo credit - Hannah with her Grandma and Grandpa