Some people are shocked when they hear that foster children can have a hard time in an adoptive home. I know I was one of those people. I thought that I would bring Sammy into our home and give him a stable and wonderful life, and he’d be “fine”. Boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

On one of the Adoption.com forums, I read such an incredible description of the thought process involved. Here it is:

Just suppose one day a husband came home and his wife did something to irritate him. Maybe she asked for money, or spilled food. He hit her. Hard. He broke her arm, fractured a rib, and knocked out a tooth. When she went to the hospital, medical personnel called police and he was arrested. Later he pled guilty to abuse and was sentenced to jail. His wife went to stay with her relatives while recovering.
Six months later, the man gets out of jail. He wants his wife back. He gets a free lawyer and goes to court. The court orders the wife to go on dates with her husband and work out a plan to get back together. Later the court orders the wife to return home for overnight visits. Finally, regardless of the wife's opinion, the court orders her to return home and resume the marriage. Outrageous! Unthinkable?
Substitute the word "child" for wife and the word "family" for marriage. As long as children are seen as possessions and "family reunification" is more important than "best interest of the child" NOTHING will change.

I was blown away when I read this. This is such a fabulous description. I have used another description:

Imagine you are married, and it may not be the best marriage, in fact it’s probably pretty bad, but it’s the only thing that you know. One day your spouse comes home and says “Honey, I love you but I think there’s someone that can take better care of you. Get your stuff together, you’re leaving.” You get a big black trash bag and can only take what will fit in that trash bag. This includes your clothes, shoes, books, anything for any hobbies you have, photos, etc. It must all fit with you in this bag and you can never go back to get anything you forget. You move in with your new “spouse” and live there for a while. Just when you start to trust again, this same scenario is replayed. You’re going to someone else who can take better care of you. What is your heart going to feel like? You move to your new home with your trash bag of possessions that may or may not contain everything you started out with.

This scenario plays itself out over and over again. How many times do you think you could allow yourself to trust and get hurt before you decided to close off your heart? At what point would you expect the move and be prepared before you ever landed in the new home?

This is what our kids go through. Why should it be any surprise that they protect their hearts? It also doesn’t take into account the feelings they have for their birth parents. Most of our kids have a desire or dream to return to their birth families.

The description of a roller coaster ride has been used in parenting kids who have been through this type of life. It is a totally accurate description. Trust me, I have lived it and I hated roller coasters before I started this type of parenting. However, it also applies to what our kids have lived. Each move is like that big drop after you get to the top of the hill. There are twists and turns everywhere. Eventually the drops get smaller and the ride comes to an end, but you still have an adrenaline rush or your stomach is queasy for a while after the ride is over.

Welcome to the life of a foster child.

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