This was in my in-box from the Love & Logic Institute today, and it is certainly worth sharing.

Most little kids reach a certain point at which they want to do many things without our help. They want to feed themselves, they want to open every door without assistance, they want to button their buttons, etc. If we try to help, we often hear, "No! Me!" While frustrating for everyone, this stage is important. Little ones know down deep that they need to experience struggle to learn.

As our kids grow, many of us forget that struggle is a gift. When they are having a hard time tying their shoes, we quickly do it for them. When they are challenged with homework, we too often jump in and tell them how to do it. It’s hard to sit back, watch, and allow them to learn through repeated effort.

In our CD, Shaping Self-Concept, you will hear that kids learn to feel good about themselves when they are allowed to struggle and experience the resulting pride of accomplishment.

When your kids are struggling with something, experiment with saying, "I bet you can figure that out. If you don’t get it by ________, then I’ll give you some ideas."

And when you do help, remember the following rule:

Never work harder than your child.

I agree whole heartedly. I am a Love & Logic parent. My husband and I took the full 6 week class 3 years ago. We discovered we had been doing Love & Logic parenting, without knowing there was a name for it.

We believe in letting our kids learn lessons before there are major consequences. We let them fail while the price is small. We hand the “Units of Concern” back to our children, and let them worry about things, like school, rather than making it our concern.

Some people differ with this opinion. It has been a major sticking point with us and social services.

This lesson reminds me of another story I have read many times, and directly relates to the Love & Logic story. I don’t know who to credit it to. I have gotten it in e-mail several times.

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.
The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. The butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! It looked like it couldn’t break free! It looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned he decided to help. He ran to get scissors, and then walked back (because he had learned not to run with scissors…). He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out the boy was surprised. It had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly expecting that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly’s wings would expand.

But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly…

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was SUPPOSED to struggle. In fact, the butterfly’s struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. The boy’s good intentions hurt the butterfly.

As you go through school, and life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes you to develop your ability to fly.

Give your kids the gift of struggle.

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