I haven’t blogged in a couple of days because our house has been in complete turmoil. Sammy was home on a pass for the weekend, and things did not go well. You may read the details here.

I was tense all weekend and kept Sammy within line of sight at all times, or in his room with the alarm on. The constant yo-yo that we are on with him has us contemplating the D word. I don’t mean divorce or Dallas, I mean disruption. Actually, in technical terms it would be a dissolution, since the adoption was finalized 8 years ago, but the word disruption is used interchangeably.

I never thought that word would cross my lips or enter my thoughts about my son, but it has. Over the years I have had fleeting thoughts about it, but this a very strong feeling that I’m not getting over. I have been praying hard for guidance.

Disruption is not something to be taken lightly. It is a highly emotional, and very permanent choice. I know several parents who have made this choice and I don’t know a single one who did not grieve the loss of their child.

Here are the thoughts going through my mind right now.

My personal safety – We have found knives in Sammy’s room on numerous occasions, he has physically assaulted me in the past, and on Monday he told me he wanted to bust a bowl upside my head.

Hannah – While I don’t feel that Sammy would harm her, what she is exposed to on Sammy’s home passes is not OK with me. The language, the tension, the potential exposure to violence, all our energy poured into Sammy so she is left behind. This is not fair to her.

Sammy – His willingness, or lack thereof, to work on his issues and try to become part of our family again. I took Sammy to the psychiatrist yesterday for a med review. Sammy continued the attitude, cussed me out in front of the psychiatrist, said he has the skills to control his anger but just doesn’t use them. He feels it’s OK to beat on the walls to release his anger as long as he doesn’t put holes in the walls. It’s OK to tell me he wants to stab me, hit me, break bowls over my head, or whatever, as long as he doesn’t follow through. He no longer contains his behaviors to just home. They are present in residential settings (although on a milder level) in the foster home, and in school.

I spent a long time talking with Sammy’s foster mom when I dropped him off yesterday. We discussed the necessities, but I also told her my feelings and ended up in tears at her table. However, she agreed with me. We both agreed that there is no consequence severe enough to motivate him. He has already been in residential twice, juvenile detention 3 times and various respite, shelter care, and now treatment foster care. None of it matters or is motivating, and there really isn’t anything that does motivate him. It’s a pretty scary thought as a parent.

I have also contemplated not terminating our rights, but making it clear that reunification and his move back to our home is not our goal. His chances of being adopted again if we disrupt fall somewhere between slim and none. He would end up aging out of the system, and I don’t want that for him.

I am in an emotionally vulnerable state right now, so I will not make any decisions any time soon. For those of you who have been in this situation, how did you make the choice that you made?

Disruption Statistics

More blogs on disruptions here, and here

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