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I had to chuckle when I received my latest quarterly newsletter from Adoption Resources of Wisconsin. the article on the front page is titled “Parenting the Hormonally Gifted: Teens and Sexuality.” I never thought of my child as hormonally gifted, but it sure does apply.
Dealing with teens and their sexuality is a tough thing anyway, and add in the fact that your child was probably sexually abused, things get even more difficult.
I say probably sexually abused because the statistics of kids in foster care being sexually abused is so high, it’s better to assume that they have been abused and approach their sexuality with that in mind.
Given the fact that their knowledge of sexuality is nor “normal”, it is important that we deal with the teen years head on. So how do we handle this?
Talk openly and often – Do not make sex and sexuality a taboo topic in your home. It’s never too early, or too late, to start talking to kids about respecting their bodies and saying no. At an early age we can teach them to tell if someone hurts them, and at an older age we can teach them to value their bodies. It’s not uncommon for abused children to become sexually active at a young, or younger than normal age, so starting the talks early is very important.
Be honest – Sammy and I have had many talks about his early life, what is appropriate, when a person should start having sex and so on. I have told him that the things he saw and went through in his birth home are not appropriate and not the way that people should treat each other. I have also told him my beliefs and asked him how he feels. We are very open and he feels comfortable asking me questions and knowing that he will receive honest answers.
Discuss birth control – Some people say that this is basically giving kid permission to have sex, but I disagree. We mix our messages with birth control along with abstinence. If my child is going to have sex, I want him to have the knowledge of what he needs to use to protect himself, but I also tell him that the only effective method of birth control is abstinence and that every time you have sex you are taking the chance of becoming a father. If you’re not ready to be a father, don’t have sex, even if you’re using protection.
Tell them what they are feeling is normal – Children who have been sexually abused may fear that they are going to become an abuser. Developing sexual urges may be scary to your child. Reassure them that all children go through this stage of development, and that the feelings and urges are part of becoming an adult, but it does not mean they will become an abuser. There is also the topic of “self pleasure” that can come up.
Yes, you will probably feel uncomfortable having these discussions with your child. It was much easier to talk to Sammy about these things when he was younger. Now I wish he’d talk to his dad more, but I am glad that he feels safe enough to discuss these things with me, and actually values our opinions and views on such an important topic.
Good luck in dealing with your hormonally gifted child.
