Now, before you get upset with me, I am not comparing being a grandparent with special needs parenting.

Let me tell you how this topic evolved. Last night I was talking to my father-in-law for Father’s Day. He asked about Sammy’s birthday and what to do for him. They do not have an address or phone number for where he is, so they wanted to know how to get something to him, and what would be appropriate for him given the current circumstances. The longing and questions in his voice were very apparent to me.

We had also taken my hubby out to dinner for Father’s Day, where we ran into my parents. We live in a small town so it’s not unusual to run into them. Since our family relationship is tenuous at best, we kind of sit on pins and needles waiting to see what’s going to happen. My mother has figured out not to approach me or try to have a conversation with me. Things are kind of on the fence with my father, but the fact that he loves my kids is obvious. He has not spent time alone with my kids in several years. I just can’t allow it. Whenever he sees us, he spends time talking to the kids, but I know he would love to spend more time with them. He and Sammy were buddies who spent much time together doing all sorts of things. I know how hard it is for him to not spend time with the kids, and if he were married to anyone else, I’d have no problem with it. But….I can not trust that anything I or my kids tell him will not go back to my mother and result in more abuse allegations, so any time with the kids is monitored.

I hadn’t thought about the impact of being a grandparent to a special needs or attachment affected child until I heard a speaker mention this. It was either Nancy Thomas or Deborah Hage, I don’t remember which. She pointed out that along with us losing our dreams of parenting a “regular” child our parents are not living out their dreams of what being a grandparent is either.

They dreamed of kids that they could hug, kiss, cuddle with and spoil. When we come along and put restrictions on how they can interact with our kids, their dream dies a little bit more too. My dad would love to take Hannah out fishing and for some ice cream, and she’d love to do it with him, but it’s not in our future. He loved taking Sammy out snowmobiling or working in the back hoe with him, but that will never be again. My father-in-law and Sammy share many of the same interests and could spend hours talking, but he is rarely home these days.

At the same time my in-laws are supportive. We had some tussles over things for a few years, but as Sammy’s mental illness and his violence became more apparent, things changed. Back in October when things were really bad and we found knives and other weapons in Sammy’s room, it was my mother-in-law who first expressed concern for my safety and mentioned disruption. She said that she loves Sammy, but her first loyalty was to me and my safety. That level of support blew me away, but at the same time it’s a very hard position to put a parent in. Do you support your son and daughter-in-law, or your grandchild?

I am trying to be more sensitive to my kids’ grandparents feelings, but when you live in chaos, it’s hard to think beyond your own home and feelings.

Grandparents of Children with Special Needs

AARP article

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