I was recently asked how social services and the juvenile justice system could support us with the problems we are having with our son.

Before I can answer that, you need to have the background on our son. He has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, Bi-Polar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and pre-natal drug exposure.

As part of his disorders, he has no cause and effect thinking. He is “fearless” of adults or people normally seen as authority figures. He instinctively lies. He steals anything he wants, even if it’s something he could have had if he had asked. He takes no responsibility for his actions, and blames others, especially Mom. He has no remorse for things he has done, instead he is angry that he has been caught. He will be a completely respectful child to those he feels he has to impress, yet be cruel and violent at home. He tries to “triangulate” adults by making false allegations of abuse, or by acting respectful in front of you while trying to destroy the family dynamic at home. Star/sticker charts, and level systems do not work with him. He would have to care about the consequences and rewards in order for these to be effective.

When he has been removed to shelter care, he remained on “level zero” virtually all of the time, yet was allowed to watch TV, play video games, go swimming, play on the playground, etc. This does not give him an incentive to stop the behaviors that have gotten him there. Some of these are privileges he doesn’t have at home, so shelter care becomes a better place than home. The “threat” of being sent there means nothing.

We have already been through an extensive abuse investigation. He has undergone an 8 day stay at a psychiatric hospital. Upon his discharge, the psychiatrist told us point blank not to bring him back. He said that our son is too intelligent and too manipulative for their program to do any good. He knows how to “work the system” so his time spent in therapy there was spent saying what he thought the authorities wanted to hear.

Less than 3 months after his discharge, his behaviors escalated, and we turned to the legal system for help.

We have been in court numerous times, and each time has the same results. He spends time in shelter care, and is told if he does this again, he will go to jail. He repeats the behavior and does not go to jail. We will continue to see the same behaviors as long as there is no follow through on what he is told. Since he has been given the same warnings and never had to go to jail, he does not believe it will ever happen. He will continue these same behaviors. In the past 12 months he has received 5 citations for disorderly conduct and received a sixth while in shelter care. He has received 3 citations for criminal damage to property and has been taken to shelter care 3 times.

With children like this, telling them if you do X behavior again, this is going to happen to you invites the child to then increase the behaviors to see if that actually happens.

We do not feel that the juvenile justice system can help us.

We are dealing with damage to our own home and assaults to us as his parents. We feel very strongly that these things are taken far less seriously since there is no one else involved. What would be the consequences if he were doing this to a third party? We are in a situation of being both the parents and the victims. We have no recourse for restitution, and we spend additional money losing time from work to attend court, as well as transporting him to and from shelter care during the school year. We, as the victims, are penalized even further.


What specifically do we need?

1) Allow us input into his case and consequences. Even though we are the victims, we are also the parents and know what works and what doesn’t.

2) Therapeutic respite. Paid respite is available to parents of children who have physical and mental handicaps. There is no respite available to parents of emotionally disturbed children.

3) No warnings. Consequences need to be imposed the first time.

4) Treat offenses in the home the same as offenses against a third party. Our son has done literally THOUSANDS of dollars of damage to our home and has physically assaulted me. Had my husband or I committed these offenses, there would be serious repercussions.

5) Non-secure detention needs to be a true consequence. Allowing children to enjoy all the same privileges they have at home gives them no incentive to change.

6) Do not use his emotional disorders as an excuse for his behaviors. He knows right from wrong, and is fully capable of understanding that he has committed a crime.

7) Do not try to become his friend. To do so implies to him that you are weak and easily manipulated.

8) Trust us. While our methods of dealing with our child may seem unorthodox, his upbringing was unorthodox. The first years in his biological family were filled with drugs, alcohol, sex, abuse and neglect. He can not be parented like a “normal” child. We regularly attend parenting classes and seminars on special needs children to try to learn more, and continually change our parenting style to meet his needs.

I am an active volunteer in a group that works with families who have adopted children who have been abused and/or neglected. Sadly, we are seeing the same problems in these families. I would be happy to do a training session or talk with you personally about what the lives of these families are like, and what these children and families need.