One of things you may deal with is visits with siblings. In most cases this discussion would take place before a child is placed in your home. Sometimes this can change if a child is born after your child is already in care. In foster care or pre-adoptive placements it can be mandatory that you agree to visits, but many times they are optional after an adoption is finalized.

I have only had kids where we have done sibling visits. In both Sammy and Hannah’s cases we still do. If Kory and Mackenzie had stayed we would have continued visits with their siblings as well. Kory and Mackenzie were already half siblings so we only had one set of family members to visit with.

If you have multiple children scheduling visits can get very tricky, and explaining family dynamics gets very interesting. When Sammy’s oldest brother had a biological sibling born, it was hard for Sammy to understand that Baby S was his brother’s sister, but not his.

What do you do for sibling visits?

1) Have visits at a neutral location - For some kids it can be very confusing to have visits in one home or another. It may bring up feelings that the sibling his leaving his current placement, or un-realistic expectations that the sibling is going to be moving into his placement. We have done visits in parks, at restaurants with play areas, you could do a children’s museum, at the zoo, or other family friendly places. Be sure to do it somewhere that the kids can be active and have a place to “retreat” if emotions get intense.

2) Talk to other family(s) – Find out if there are special needs that their child has or requirements that might determine where you meet, how long the visit is, or what time of day. If the sibling is in a wheelchair, or has other needs like a feeding tube, it could limit where and when you meet.

3) Try not to talk about the past – Some kids want to talk about it and focus on what they have survived. Other kids don’t want to discuss the past at all. Try to focus on what the kids are doing now, what interests they have, and even bring photos of what is going on in their lives.

4) Celebrate events if possible – With Sammy and his brothers, the boys birthdays are in April, June, September and December. This gave us a pretty good interval to have visits, allowed the boys to participate in each other birthdays and gave us a reason to have visits. In the beginning we had them at a kid friend restaurant, usually McDonald’s or Hardees or something similar. When the boys grew older and were able to understand that each brother was in the home that they were going to be staying in, we were able to incorporate the boys into their regular birthday parties. They each enjoyed “showing off” their brothers to their friends and family.

5) Gauge your child’s reaction – Some children can not handle regular contact, and once or twice a year may be the most you can do. Other kids will want more visits. Hannah is pretty good about asking for visits, but Sammy would always act up when he was missing his brothers. Also be prepared for some backlash after a visit is over. There are usually a lot of emotions surrounding a visit and allowing your child to safely vent and deal with these emotions will be critical to the success of future visits.

Some people are very fearful or intimidated by sibling visits. I have looked forward to them because I gain so much information from them. We have discussed medical issues, abuse issues, parenting methods, and various other things during visits. We find out what works and what doesn’t work. It’s nice to talk to someone who really understands what your child does and has been through better than anyone else.

Photo credit - Hannah playing during her visit with her "other family"