Should have known better

In my previous blog, I talked about how Hannah dealt with my in-laws visit last weekend. On the surface she did well, but a “trained” eye would have noticed some little quirks that she had.

Sammy was a different story. It didn’t take a trained eye to notice his reactions. It actually started a couple of weeks before where he was asking to come home for the weekend. We did not comply. Instead we opted to go to lunch as a family before my in-laws headed out. We had a fabulous lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.

When I spoke with Sammy’s foster dad, we agreed that the visit should not be more than five hours. My in-laws had not seen Sammy in three years. His main interest in seeing them was the gifts involved. That did not come as any shock to me. He had very little interaction with them, despite sitting next to my mother-in-law. He sat across from me, and took every opportunity he could to push my buttons.

After we said our good-byes for my in-laws to head back toward the airport, we went across the parking lot to take Sammy Christmas shopping. He had not purchased anything for anyone so we were going take him to pick out his gifts. It would have been less painful for me to lop off my hand with a serrated plastic knife.

The only thing Sammy wanted to do was to look around the bookstore for things for himself. He only had $5 for shopping, so guess who ended up paying for the rest? When I asked him what shopping he needed to do, he said he couldn’t think of anyone that he needed to buy anything for. That should have been a clue right there that this shopping trip would not be a fun one. Larry and I made the decision that Hannah would go with me and Sammy would go with him. They would look for gifts for Hannah and me, then we’d switch and I’d take Sammy and we’d look for a gift for Dad.

Things were fine while Sammy was with his Dad, but his attitude changed when he was with me. Again, it became about what he could get. I hate Christmas shopping in malls because I hate the crowds and long lines. Long story short, we left without a gift for Dad. On the drive back to the foster home, Sammy began to get Hannah wound up and they both became very loud. I asked them politely several times to quiet down because I had a headache. Instead, Sammy used this opportunity of my “weakness” to make thing worse. I finally yelled for them to be quiet, and that was his opportunity to strike. He became verbally ugly.

When we parted, he had several nasty things to say to me, including that I was never to come see him again (he’ll change his mind soon) and things along that line. I let Larry walk him into the house, and I remained in the car.

When Larry took him into the house, her explained to the foster dad what had happened, and how this is a pattern when it’s time for a visit to end. Sammy has to leave on an angry note so that leaving is easier for him. He doesn’t want to feel the good feelings, and he is much more comfortable with anger, so that’s how he chooses to end things.

Unfortunately, this is a defensive mechanism that many kids with attachment issues use. They push people away in order to avoid feeling good, because feeling good is scary. I should have been prepared for this, but I let my guard down.

It’s sad to say, but when he comes home for the day for Christmas, I will spend much of it on guard waiting for the bomb to hit. If it hadn’t been for Hannah asking for him to be home, I’d spend the day enjoying a quiet time with my family, but instead, PTSD will be a prominent theme for our home.

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