One of the few sessions at the ATN conference that I was able to attend was given by Joe Lyons and Suzanne Allen of the Attachment Institute of New England (AINE). AINE is a fantastic group of four therapists who work together as teams. They really understand the kids and the parents that they work with.
Joe and Suzy’s presentation talked about shame, which is a component that we often don’t think about with our kids. We have worked with various therapists, psychiatrists, counselors and psychologists through the years and a year is the first time that any of them ever mentioned shame and Sammy together.

One of the things that really struck me during their presentation was a statement that Joe made. He said that sometimes our kids push us away because they are afraid they will contaminate us. This statement struck me on a couple of different levels.

First is the fact that a child feels that they have the ability to contaminate another person. The lack of self-esteem in that child amazes me. I have struggled with my own self-esteem from the abuse I suffered as a child, but I never felt as if I could contaminate a person. I have met some kids who would certainly fall into this category though. It is heartbreaking.

On another level it speaks volumes about the amount of caring that a child would have for a caregiver for them to be concerned about contaminating the caregiver. That is a connection and compassion that we may not realize because the child is not showing it in other areas. A child that is not connected to a caregiver will not care what happens to the caregiver.

I spent some time talking with Joe after the session to get some real, practical tips on helping a child with shame issues. We were on the same page with strategies. I’ll give you a few tips that Joe shared with me.

Give the child chores – This may not seem like a self-esteem building thing, but it certainly can be. Give the child something that they can accomplish and it can be something small like cleaning toilets, sweeping the floor or other simple tasks that can give the child a sense of accomplishment.

Cooking with your child – Joe and Suzy are the same therapists that talk about incorporating all senses in attachment. Cooking works with all the senses, but it also can empower the child if they are cooking something that is feeding the family. It can be as simple as a dessert, or even the main course.

Nurture the child’s interests – If there is a hobby or sport that your child is interested in, do what you can to help nurture that interest, provided it’s appropriate. Sometimes the structure of lessons or time with you doing this hobby or sport can be enough to boost your child’s self-esteem.

Trust your instincts on what to do with your child. Nurturing your child’s self-esteem may be the key to helping your child heal.



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