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A couple of years ago I attended the National CASA conference with Julie. One of the sessions we attended was on sexual abuse, and it was wonderful.
The man who presented the session was Dr. Wayne Duehn. He had a great way of making you understand things from the point of view of the child. Not a big stretch for me, I’ve been there. But even with my “experience” there were a couple of “light bulb” moments for me.
The first was when he gave each person in the audience a piece of paper and an envelope. He asked everyone to write down a sexual secret about themselves then put it in the envelope and seal it. Already this had people a little touchy. I know I was. I didn’t want anyone to read it while I was writing it. The next thing was to find someone in the audience and give your envelope to them. This part was quite interesting. Most people handed it to someone in close proximity to them.
He then continued his presentation, and would periodically ask if you were thinking about your envelope. Of course, most everyone raised their hands. Toward the end of the presentation, he picked up an envelope from someone and asked:
What if I opened this envelope and read what was inside, and it meant that you would never go home again? Or someone close to you might go to jail? Or that you might never see your brothers and sisters again? Or that you might never see your parents again? How likely are you to reveal this secret? That’s what we’re asking our kids to do.
WOW! The light bulb goes off. In my case, the abuse was revealed and nothing happened. Because we live in a small town and my parents didn’t want a “scandal”, it was never reported to the police. I never had to face that fear.
He also mentioned that many times, our kids don’t have sexual abuse listed in their profiles. When parents find out about they are angry because they were never told about it. Chances are, the child never told anyone. In order for a child to reveal this big secret, they have to feel safe and protected. When you’re bouncing from home to home, the kids don’t have that feeling. They may need to be in a home for a long period of time before they ever think about revealing this. When they do, they may begin with only small amounts to “test” the parent for a few things.
• To see if they are believed.
• To see if they will be able to remain in this home.
• To see if the parents will protect them, or other children in the home.
The abuser holds so much power over children. They may have been threatened if they talk, and usually the abuser is much larger than the child, so physical size alone is intimidating.
The next segment will deal with “What is sexual abuse?”
This article is excellent. My adopted sons were not sexually abused, but were physically battered and starved as infants. However, I have fostered sexually abused children and appreciate the public insight you are providing.
wow. just…….wow. I never thought of it that way. I only thought of it from the point of view that, if someone is abusing a child, they should be stopped. I don’t like to say it, but I guess I wasn’t even thinking about the child because I though that once the abuse ended, they’d be “safe”. I hadn’t though that such a hard time, maybe the hardest time, would come AFTER the abuse is reported…..
Great post!
Great post!!
I know several people who told as children, and the aftermath was traumatizing. Little girls are subjected to vaginal exams — VERY scary for a child. If a relative was the abuser, then families split by taking sides (often with the abuser). Some children were not believed when they told. Others were frightened when the police showed up because they believed that they had done something wrong.
Sexually abused children carry a lot of shame. I don’t usually say “all” in my writing, but I have never met a sexual abuse survivor who did not struggle with an enormous amount of shame before entering into therapy to heal. Children carry this shame on their shoulders, and they believe that the abuse was their fault. It’s hard to break free of this and tell. I believe this is part of why most sexually abused children do not tell until they are adults (if then).
- Faith
If you ever get a chance to hear Dr. Duehn speak, go see him.
Soblessed- There is so much trauma involved in abuse that it takes years for kids to heal, and that’s from when it’s discovered and when therapy starts.
Faith- I am one of the few who did not blame myself, but I never had to tell. My parents found out in other ways. However, the one message I HAVE carried with me my entire life is that I am not worth much. My family’s reputation was more important than I was. To this day, my mother will deny that anything happened to me. She even made the comment after a news report about a pedophile that if anyone did that to any of her grandkids, she’d string them up by their you know what. Yet, the same thing happened to me and nothing was done. This comment was just made a few years ago, so I still know where I stand all these years later.
“However, the one message I HAVE carried with me my entire life is that I am not worth much.”
That is the shame that I am talking about. I have never met an abuse survivor, whether from sexual abuse or otherwise, who did not struggle with feelings of worthlessness.
I have heard that how the parents/caregivers handle the abuse is extremely important in helping the child to heal. Two children can endure similar trauma but have very different aftereffects. If the parents stand by the child and reaffirm how precious he is, then sexual abuse can be more of a bump in the road. If a child goes through what you did w/the parents denying it even happened, the results can be devastating.
Most of my friends who were sexually abused never told. However, I do have one who did, and her mother stood by her. She got some therapy in college, and she is remarkably well-adjusted today. She still has some issues, as all abuse survivors do, but she does not struggle with many of aftereffects that plague others.
Take care,
- Faith
Ditto on the shame stuff. I’ve seen it in many as well. Even LuLu, at the tender age of 4 when in toddler terms told us what her memories were hid her face in such a way that it conveyed all the shame and worthlessness she felt. That action itself was enough to make her story credible.
Shame and fear…the legacies of trauma!