Part 1 – Sexual abuse – Why the secrecy?
Part 2 – Sexual abuse – What is it?

When you are reading a child’s profile or case study, there can be some big red flags about sexual abuse. They’re easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for. If you see these signs, and sexual abuse is not written in the report, ask more questions.

• Age inappropriate bed wetting or soiling of clothes- Children who have been sexually abused want to make themselves “unattractive” to future perpetrators, and one of the ways is soil themselves so that they do not smell good.

• Refusal to bathe or change clothes- In some kids this is just oppositional behavior, but in others they use it the same as soiling themselves. If I don’t smell good, no one will want me.

• Insomnia- For many children their abuse happened in their bedroom or at night. They will lie awake at night waiting for the abuser to come in their room.

• Withholding stools or urine- If a child was penetrated, they may equate bodily functions with abuse. The same areas are used for abuse and bodily functions. It also becomes a vicious circle. When the child withholds, when they do go it hurts, thereby reinforcing the fact that those parts of their body are used for hurting.

• Unusual knowledge of sex- If the child indicates knowledge of sexual activities well beyond their years, some sort of abuse has happened. When Sammy joined our family, I knew some of his abuse history, but we have learned far more along the way. One day I was watching a special on Animal Planet, or some similar channel. Sammy was in another room, and they were about to show baby elephants so I called Sammy in. He walked in right as they showed the male elephant mounting the female. The first words out of his mouth were “Oh, is that the Daddy on top of the Mommy?” I got a very clear picture as to what my son had been exposed to. He was only five years old. Five year olds don’t know these kinds of things.

• Nightmares or night terrors- Many of our kids will have unusual nightmares or night terrors. They may not always remember what they are, and they may not seem to relate directly to sexual abuse, but it’s worth looking into. My abuse was 30 years ago, and I still have nightmares, or very strange dreams. It usually involves someone chasing me, trying to capture me, or trying to kill me.

Many people will say that young children can not remember their abuse. I whole heartedly disagree. I know several young children that remember what happened to them very vividly. They may not have the adequate words to describe it, but they know. One child said “He stuck his sword down my throat.” This child was TWO when this happened.

I was five when I was abused by my first perpetrator. Almost 35 years later, I can flash back to that scene if you simply say his name to me. I can picture it right now. I don’t have anxiety over it anymore, but the image has not faded. Age does not change the effect that abuse has on a child.

It is estimated that approximately 75% of children in foster care have been sexually abused. I don’t know how accurate that statistic is. It’s hard to estimate since the kids may not feel safe enough about it to discuss it.

If you’re a new parent, or a pre-adoptive parent, you may want to go into things assuming that you’re child has been abused in some way, and consider yourself, and them, lucky if they haven’t been.