A couple of years ago, when Sammy reached the legal chronological age, my father signed him up for hunter safety and ATV safety courses, without my knowledge or consent. My father teaches these classes, and wants to do these things with Sammy. His justification was that it would boost Sammy’s self-esteem. HUH? Teaching my violent Bi-Polar child how to shoot a gun or drive an ATV will boost his self-esteem? Did I mention we don’t even OWN an ATV?

We had a little battle over this, and I posted this question on the ATN list-serves. I received tremendous support that my child did not belong in these classes, even from the men on the lists. We triumphed, and Sammy did not take the classes. Emotionally he is not ready for them, and has other aspects of his life that need to be worked on more.

What is the correct way to help a child with self esteem?

The Children’s Trust Fund of Wisconsin has a bookmark with some suggestions on it.

• Show your child that you love yourself. That’s a tough one for some of us. I don’t have the highest self esteem, and it comes from years of physical and verbal abuse myself so setting that example for my kids is hard. I talk about myself in ways that give my kids the idea that I feel strong, even if I don’t believe it. When Hannah stares at me I say “Yes, I know I’m beautiful.” When Sammy tries to pull one over on me I say “I’m smarter than that.”

• Empower your child to make choices and honor his or her decision. That can be a tough one. Our kids don’t always make the best choices. But we can give them opportunities to make choices. “Do you want to wear the red dress or the yellow dress?” or “Do you want to take your nap before lunch or after lunch?” This allows kids to make choices that give them a sense of control, and allow them some pride.

• Love your child unconditionally; let your child know he or she is special and unique. Some days this is far easier than others.

• Focus on your child’s educational progress and the way he or she feels about school. As parents, when our child brings home a less than desirable report card, we tend to focus on the negative things, and don’t give enough praise to the good stuff. Did you ever get a bad grade on a report card? What did you feel as you were on your way home with it? Sammy is a fantastic reader, but struggles a little bit with math. We praise Cs in math here. He’s smart enough for higher, but he’s working through issues of “I can’t” and getting to “I’ll try”. That’s progress for us and we celebrate it.

• Send your child a love note; list the things you admire about him or her. Hallmark has some really good books for this. There is the “What a Great Kid” coupon book and the “Stuck on You” sticky note book. They are quick little notes and coupons that you can give your child, stick in a lunch box, or on their pillow.

• Expect positive results from everything your child does, and accept failure as well as success. Again, this can be a tough one. We get used to the bad stuff, and come to expect it as a part of life. Have you ever praised your child for NOT stealing? We actually have. What about praise for only having a partial meltdown? I know these things seem backward, but sometimes catching them being “good” has great results. Oriental Trading catalog sells pencils, coins and suckers that say “I Was Caught Being Good.” For some kids this works well.


You have to do what works with your child and family, but building a child’s self esteem can make a lifetime of difference.