One of the most maddening things about our kids is their ability or desire to sabotage what should be a fun event for themselves or the whole family.

Parents will plan a wonderful event such as a night out for the family, a party, or a special treat for the child, only to have the child increase the negative behaviors right before the event to put the family in a bad mood, or guarantee that the event will be cancelled or the child not attend.

This behavior can become less maddening once you understand the thought process behind it. Our children have lived with little or nothing and they learned not to get their hopes up or to cherish anything because chances were pretty likely that they would be disappointed or that their possession may disappear. They may be afraid of the same thing in your family. You can tell your child that you are going to do something fun, but until you keep your promise many, many times your child will not trust that this is going to happen.

Our children also generally have low self-esteem. Some have suffered years of verbal and emotional abuse and feel very unworthy. Your child may feel that they do not deserve this wonderful event that you have planned. They wonder why you want to do something for them.

In both of these instances, the child sabotages the event out of self-preservation. They will act up to have themselves removed from the situation that they don’t feel they deserve or can’t allow themselves to be hopeful about.

Many times planning something small or not telling your child about the event until it actually happens is a way to head off any sabotage. You may want to give your child a huge birthday party to celebrate and show your love, but it may be far more than your child can handle. Being upfront with your child and asking what they can handle may be a surprise. Your child may tell you that having one friend over is all that they want. Do your best to honor your child’s wishes and you will be greatly surprised.

If your child does start to act out and try to sabotage things, empower the child with words. Saying something like, “Honey, thank you for letting me know that this is too hard for you. Next time let’s try using words.” Or in the style that Katharine Leslie uses, “This is the part where you would say, Mom I’m scared about what is coming up.” Many of our kids don’t know what they are feeling or how to properly voice those feelings, so it’s up to us to help them.

Most importantly, do not take the sabotage personally. Your kids are not doing this to hurt you, but rather it is an attempt to try to save themselves from what they view as a threat. For them the threat is very real, even if we do not understand it. Helping your child see that they are worthy of good things is a very hard thing to do, but the return on all your hard work will be wonderful.



Photo credit