So, anyway, he’s gone. (continued from part I )

In so many ways it is a relief. If you’ve been following this blog, you know I’ve been writing about creative ways to discipline.

Usually in the morning I’m pretty happy go lucky and creative. By the end of the day I’ve had enough with the tantrums from him. (to clarify, yes they are from the five year old foster son, and not my two year old daughter). By the end of the day I get far less creative and much more in yelling mode. I wish it wasn’t so. I’ve got to work on that. To find a way to not let kids push my buttons.

It does make me REALLY appreciate how lucky I am with K. She is really easy at this point.

So, today I’m crying. I cry because I love him and miss him. I cry because I wish I could do better for them and their family. I cry because I want to be more present in their lives, to help them, but emotionally I can’t.

Ricky laughed a lot. We went to the zoo, the playground, on walks. We read a lot, sang, played games. We were basically a family. He loves us a lot. I’m just not mom.

Having Ricky has made me seriously question a second child. It has also made me wonder what type of child I might want. An older one? A younger one? A few days ago I read with interest a blog that Owlhaven wrote about disrupting birth order. I don’t think I want to do that after experiencing it for a month. Of course, the first few months are always the hardest. I just don’t know what is in store for our family.

I do know I miss Ricky. I hope he’s safe.

Love ya Buddy.