There is a lot of discussion about when is it the time to leave your child with care givers. Owlhaven wrote a great blog about trusting your gut, and going with your own instincts about parenting your child. I’ve written about leaving K, and my separation anxiety here, and how it panned out, on the older-parent adoption blog.

When foster - adopting, you may not be allowed to leave your child until the adoption is final. Respite care, as it is called in the foster world, is sometimes (HA!) available for the parents to avoid burnout. This temporary day or overnight care is provided by trained respite providers who may be other foster parents or specialized respite providers. (Please, if you’ve thought about adopting, but can’t for whatever reason, consider becoming a licensed respite provider. They are greatly needed.)

The idea is that foster kids, (even ready to adopt ones) can’t just be left with just any care giver. This means no babysitting to go out to the movies, no sitting service while you go to the dentist. You can’t leave your child with a friend while you run to the gynecologist. Foster kids can’t be left without permission. Period. No matter how much you trust the care giver.

We got permission from my agency to leave our foster - adopt child (K) for a few hours with my mom. But she still had to get a background check first! Harsh? Maybe, but it is safest for these children, many of whom have attachment, safety, abuse issues.

Often it isn’t worth it to leave the children with respite. I left one foster child for a few hours while I went to the dentist. He was left with a very experienced, loving, caring foster mom - whom I trust. Yet this child was traumatized for days afterwards. He had been scared I would not come back to pick him up again. Each time I just left the room for the next week he went into hysterics! I have heard similar stories from other foster -adopt parents. So what to do? How do you find a moment to take a much needed break?

When we had our two severely traumatized foster kids, (whom I am thankful went home, and we didn’t have to make that decision to adopt or not) no one, and I mean NO ONE, would take them. Even for an hour. And of course, it was with these kids I need a break the most!

Our caseworker and CASA worker (see Bill’s foster blog for some great information) came a few times to care for the kids while hubby and I went out alone for a few hours. Interestingly the CASA worker wouldn’t come alone. The caseworker wouldn’t come alone. They were scared of these kids. (Ages three and five) - Yet we were expected to integrate them into our family with little resources - oh how I digress - that is another story.

So we did get a break from the kids, but only twice in eight months. I could have used it every week. Caring for difficult children, can be exaugsting! So, step out and ask your caseworker if they can watch your child - even for just one hour. Perhaps someone at your agency can take your children into their office while you go to the store. This is common in some agencies.

If you still have visitations with birth family, arrange it so that you have less visits per week, but longer for each visit. Set it up so that you do not have to be there to supervise, but that a trained professional supervises the visits. Often all I did was sit in my car at a park and sleep for my two hours. I was thankful for these two hours of rest!

A great resource might be county/city/state appointment respite centers. Here in Colorado we have a superb one - KPC Kids Place. I was able to leave a couple of children while I went to an important adoption meeting at DHS. To find out more click here.

For court dates, there may be a court day care. In ours, (again, it is excellent - they are used to dealing with all types of kids), you give proof you have to be in court, and they watch your child for free while you are there.

Church might be another option. As always, check with your agency first. Some agencies will only allow church related activities with the child's domination - with birthmoms permission, until after the adoption is final.

The most important tip of all? Make sure you don't burn out. If you can't get away by yourself, then at least take all the kids to the park and let them blow off steam - while you soak in the sun, read or knit or walk around. Sometimes the children that need a break as much as you do. Getting outside is a great way to recharge yourself. If you take time to do things together as a family, outside, in safe situations, everyone will benefit.