You have waited so long for this child to enter your life, what if you’re not feeling the love?

It’s OK. You may not love your child at first, and your child may not love you. You are both going through major adjustments in your lives. Love is an emotion. You can not
MAKE someone feel anything, nor can you make yourself feel something. If we could all force emotions on someone, the world would be a much happier place.

Allow everyone to get used to all the changes. One Mom told me that when her son first came, he called them Mommy and Daddy, but didn’t realize what the words meant. He used them the same as we would say Mary and John. It wasn’t until several months later that he realized the role that Mommy and Daddy played in a family, and they had names besides those.

Do not pressure yourself to feel something that you don’t. It’s OK, if you grow to love your child, or feel something else. Your child may never feel true parental love toward you, but have some other kind of feeling. He may feel that loving you as parents betrays his birth parents. Trying to force emotions from either end, will only make for more tension in your family.

Think about a biological child. You have nine months to come to terms with the addition to your family. With an adopted child you probably have a month or two from the time of reading the profile until the child enters your house to live with you. An infant does not come out with already formed opinions, talking back to you and defying the limits you try to set down. An infant learns to love and trust you by you simply meeting basic needs such as feeding, changing and holding. Older kids have much more to overcome in order to be able to trust you.

This is a difficult relationship to navigate. You may instantly feel love for your child. I did with Sammy. He was my first child and I was beyond ready to be a mother. I still love my son, but it is in a way that is far different than the excited love I felt when I first learned he’d be joining our family.

If you have biological children it can be a whole new ball game. You have had years to develop the relationship with this child. With your adopted child you have a myriad of feelings hitting you at one time.

In addition to the fact that your child may not be returning the feelings you have. The only child that instantly loved me was Mackenzie. She was five days old. I met her needs. All was right in her world. My older kids were an entirely different story. They were cautious at best. Everyone had to figure out where they fit in the family dynamic. It took months for us to be able to settle into a routine, and then be able to start to gain their trust.

Take the relationship slowly, and give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel.

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