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This was the theme for our Mother’s Group at church this month. I did a lot of research in preparing for this topic.
When kids come into foster care there are usually one of two attitudes. The first is entitlement, and this is what we experienced with Sammy. The world has been horrible to them, so the world owes them. They didn’t have the same types of things that other kids did when they were growing up, both monetarily or through love and safety.
The other attitude is extreme gratefulness. Because of the fact that they were missing so many things, they are grateful for everything they have, even the most basic things. Imagine the child who was neglected and never knew if there would be food from one day to the next. This child is grateful when the foster home has plenty of food. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be food hoarding or trust issues, but an “attitude of gratitude” usually exists.
So, how we go about raising thankful children in this day and age? It’s a tough thing, especially when the examples in other kids may not be good ones.
Lead by example – All kids learn from watching their parents. This is incredibly evident in foster children. They have learned lessons that kids should never have to learn. If we model gratitude and manners for our kids, these lessons do sink in. It will take a while, just as it does with an emotionally healthy child. If they hear you saying please and thank you to other people, they can begin to understand that these are thing that people say to each other.
Start young – Infants and toddlers can learn to say please and thank you through sign language. You can find the instructions here. Older children can send thank you notes, even if they can’t write yet. Ask the child to draw or color a picture to say thank you to the person who gave the gift. I have heard from some parents that they do not let their child use the gift until the thank you “note” has been done.
Be age appropriate – I love this quote that I read from the book Teaching Your Kids to Care. It says:
It’s normal and natural for young kids to believe everyone in the world exists exclusively for their benefit. Thankfulness is just not part of their job description.”
Sometimes we can get frustrated with younger children for not taking care of their toys, or not using their manners. This doesn’t become part of their cognitive thinking until around age seven or eight.
Limit the amount of “stuff” kids have – The more things a child has, the less likely they are to be thankful for what they do have. It also helps if they have some sort of interest in paying for what they receive. Whether it’s paid for with their own money, or by doing chores, they can contribute to some of the financial part of what they receive. Let’s face it. Don’t we all appreciate things that we have worked very hard for more than something that was given to use? Kids are no different.
Don’t give up – Raising a thankful child is a process, just like attachment. Some days they will be better at it than others. When your child does “get it” without your prompting, be sure to praise them or thank them. Something simple like “I liked the way you told Aunt Sally thank you without me having to remind you” can make a child’s day.
Finally, I would like to thank everyone who reads this blog, the comments you leave, and the support you have given me. Have a blessed Thanksgiving.
