This is a blog about foster care, adoption, and adopting from foster care, so why am I talking about the things with the fuzzy ends that you use to clean your ears?

QTIP is an acronym for something that we need to remember, but is so easy to forget. It stands for:

Quit
Taking
It
Personally

This is something that is so hard, and that it takes years to master, and something you can never totally do. Our kids have a special talent for finding the things that we are most sensitive to, and nailing us with it at our worst time.

Right now I am doing respite for a 12 year old boy for the summer. He’s trying several things that Sammy did that bothered me when Sammy did them. J does them and they have no effect on me. What’s the difference? I have no emotional connection to J at all. He is a “temporary” kid and it’s up to him whether or not he changes his behaviors. After the summer is over, I have no vested interest in his behaviors. It’s easy to not take things personally with this.

But what about the kids that are with us for a long term, or that are a permanent placement in our home? The most important thing to remember is that our kids push our buttons to avoid dealing with their own stuff. If they strike out at us, and get us angry, they don’t have to think about what they are feeling inside.

When you know why your kids are doing this, it’s somewhat easier to let some things slide, but there are still those things that can get us every time. When you are stressed, dealing with the same ugly behavior over and over again, it’s natural to take your frustration personally. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. None of us can totally shut off our emotions off and become robots, but some days we can handle it better than others. Many of our kids feel more comfortable in anger. It’s the safest emotion they have; the one they are the most used to. They also feel better when everyone else is in the same state of chaos or anger as they are.

The key is, after you’re done hurting, look back and see if you can figure out why your child is striking out. Some kids can be very obvious about why they are angry. Others it takes quite a bit of digging. Sometimes how they are striking out at you can be a clue as to what they are feeling. If they feel “dumb” they may choose to try to make you feel the same way.

Keep one of those fuzzy ear cleaners in your pocket, in the cupholder in your car, or in your wallet. Keep it as a reminder that those personal “attacks” by your child are really about what your child is feeling, rather than something that you might be failing at.



Photo credit - Kelly L. Killian