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When dealing with kids from foster care, we primarily deal with two types of kids, and there are a few that fall somewhere in between. We affectionately refer to the two types of kids as pinballs and flatliners. They are both very distinct personalities and each comes with their own challenges.
Pinballs are the kids I am most familiar with. These are the kids whose emotions and behaviors bounce all over the place, hence the name pinball. With these kids you may be dealing with fun one day, explosive rages the next day, and deep depression another day. In some ways it is like dealing with Bi-Polar disorder, but the child may not necessarily have a Bi-Polar diagnosis. It’s just the way the child processes feelings.
Sammy is a complete pinball. Each day you wake up with him you have no idea what the day is going to bring. With a pinball you can find yourself walking on eggshells because you don’t know what you are going to encounter. One of the keys with a pinball is working to process emotions in a healthy and safe manner. These kids pretty typically process all feelings in anger. Anger is the emotion they know and feel the safest with. Many of these kids cannot identify other emotions. When we first started attachment therapy with Sammy, he identified everything as anger. Sadness was an emotion he did not want to feel because it was too vulnerable, so it became anger, where he had control.
Flatliners are the exact opposite, but that is not to say that life with them is easy. Flatliners can be devoid of emotion, at least on the outside. This is an issue I have dealt with for the past ten days. I have had a respite child who falls into the flatliner category and I knew this going into things. These kids don’t make decisions. They let life or others lead them in directions. With my respite kid, if I told her to do something she would do it, but without direction she would, literally, just sit. A smile was a rare occurrence and many times it was not a true smile.
Living with a flatliner is difficult because as much as the pinball shows emotion, the flatliner does not. Showing emotion may come in the form of passive aggressive rebellion. As an example, I laid out the responsibilities for my respite kid and Hannah. My respite kid decided to do Hannah’s responsibilities rather than the ones I had assigned to her. It was done in writing, so I know there was no miscommunication, it was simply passive aggressive behavior. I simply reminded her that her chores were not. When she didn’t enjoy doing both sets of jobs, she stopped doing Hannah’s and started doing her own.
Parenting each type of child has its own unique challenges and the personality type that’s the best fit for your family depends on your personality. An active family who is strong and decisive will probably not do well with a flatliner. A casual, more laid back family will probably feel overwhelmed by a pinball. Consider these very distinct personalities when reading your child’s file and determining if the child will fit in your family.
