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I have blogged before about how our kids have trauma triggers that can make them act out. As parents we have those triggers as well from living with a traumatized child, but few professionals want to acknowledge this.
Today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Five years ago today is the last day that I held Kory and Mackenzie. Their worker brought them to our home for a visit and to say good-bye. We spent a couple of hours with them, and my friend Laura came to see them as well. She was Kory’s godmother and adored both of them.
The last few days I have been dealing with some pretty heavy depression. I didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to stick with my diet and exercise program and just a general feeling of anxiety and depression. I’m already dealing with some nasty issues regarding Sammy so I thought these feelings were related to him, until I realized the date. Over the last few days I knew the date was getting closer but it didn’t register why I had these feelings. It might also explain some of the nastiness I have been getting from Sammy lately.
Kory is now 10 and Mackenzie is 6. It is sometimes hard for me to imagine them this “grown up” now. I have pictures from the last day they were in our home. These are precious memories for me. I would love to know how they are doing right now, what they look like, what their interests are and all the things a parent wants to know. I have some idea how birth parents feel when they voluntarily place their child for adoption. I am not equating what I feel to what the birth parents feel, just that I have a better understanding.
When I was packing up Kory’s and Mackenzie’s things there was a particular item given to Kory after my grandfather passed away. I called my grandmother to find out what she wanted me to do with it. She told me it was OK to send it along with Kory and then made a comment that blew me away. She said “You really get attached to these kids.” I had no idea she felt that my kids were anything less than my kids. I always felt they were mine from the moment I met them. I was beyond attached to these kids and I still am. I have talked to many parents that have had a child leave their home and they hurt just as much as I do, even they needed the child to leave for whatever reason.
Where we, as parents, suffer is that we often cannot grieve our losses because we are dealing with issues with other kids. In the past I have had to deal with Sammy’s trauma and the ensuing chaos. Now I have Hannah and tonight we will run to ballet and do our normal Tuesday things. I had already scheduled a counseling sessions for tomorrow to deal with some of the issues I am facing with Sammy right now, but the tone of the session may change.
I miss my kids and they have taken a large piece of my heart with them. I know I am not alone. There are thousands of other parents who have the same feelings I do.
