I previously wrote a blog about some of the pitfalls of adopting sibling groups. Hannah was placed with her biological siblings before she came to us. On the surface it was a good idea, but it turned out to be bad for this family.

When Hannah joined our family, we all agreed that we would keep contact open among the kids. They deserve it. Hannah attempted to seriously hurt on of her brothers at one point, but he has since forgiven her, and they love each other. They want to have visits, phone calls and letters.

Thus, we have a sort of open adoption. Everyone knows where everyone else lives, and what is going in each other’s lives.

As we made our way southwest to Kansas, we made a stop in Illinois last night for Hannah to have a visit with her first adoptive family. (Side note, what is the correct etiquette for referring to this family? Out of respect for their privacy, I don’t want to use names, but I’m not sure the terminology I have used is respectful to them.) We were passing very near where they live, so we arranged to get together, but met at a neutral location.

The kids all played together and had a great time, and we adults talked and played “catch up” on each other’s lives. We also celebrated the first adoptive mom’s birthday, which is coming up. There is no danger to us of Hannah returning to their home. This move was the best thing for everyone involved.

Things were a little dicey for a few minutes. My friend Trina, and her beautiful children also joined us. Her husband wasn’t able to make it until later, and was not up to speed on how everyone fit with everyone else. He and I had met before, but he asked Hannah who she was and at one point asked who she belonged to. She pointed to me and said “That’s my mom” then pointed again and said “That’s my other family.” This was a question we had not anticipated, and had not rehearsed how to answer.

Hannah had no question which mom she was leaving with. She knows that I am her mom, and that she was headed to Kansas with me. She hugged her brothers several times and she happily got in the car with me and went to the hotel.

She had some difficulty falling asleep last night, and today she has been a little non-compliant, but also short on sleep. After dinner while I was doing her bath, I talked with her about her feelings and encouraged her to use her words to say what she was feeling. She was able to say that she missed her “other” mom, and got sad for a little bit. I am secure enough in our relationship to allow her to grieve the loss of the mom that I wish she could have attached to. This is a tricky relationship to navigate in the best of circumstances, and with this relationship it can be even trickier.

If you’re contemplating adopting a child who has previously been place with a sibling, this may be an issue that you have to deal with. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page on this issue, and that you are secure enough as a parent to allow your child to visit with siblings, in addition to previous families.

Photo credit - Hannah playing during her visit with her "other family"