There are open adoptions in foster adoption, but they are slightly different. Usually it involves contact between siblings.

This is something you need to seriously consider before you agree or don’t accept it.

We have only had children that have maintained contact with their siblings. Not because that’s what we chose, it’s just the way it turned out.

With Sammy, we initially allowed contact with his paternal grandparents but it turned out to be more than he could handle. We would have weeks of absolutely horrible behavior after a visit. We began to see a pattern. He would have two good days following the visit, and then two weeks of sheer H***. He was never able to verbalize his feelings, but we got the message loud and clear one day. He took a picture frame from his bedroom, busted the glass, and slashed the back of his hand 13 times with the broken glass. We arranged a meeting with his grandparents, the placing worker and us, and had to suspend visits. That was 7 years ago. He has not asked for the visits back. Sometimes he’ll ask why he doesn’t see them anymore, but he does not have an overwhelming desire to visit again.

Part of it is security, and it may be an issue you run into if you decide to have biological family contact. In Sammy’s case, he lived with these grandparents off and on for almost 3 years. Contact with them set off a trauma response in him. He was always afraid that he was going to return to them and he knew they were not safe people for him. I still send them updates on how he is doing, and I am honest. I don’t sugar coat things. They receive pictures of him every year as well.

There is also the potential for longing in children. In Sammy’s case he lived with his brothers, and was in a pre-adoptive home with one of his brothers right before us. He has fantasies of living with them again. The other issue is that Sammy’s oldest brother is not adopted. He lives with his biological father and still has sporadic contact with their birth mother. Sporadic because their mother continues to be in and out of jail and is usually not stable enough to have contact. Tony doesn’t really want anything to do with her, but Sammy views this far differently. The way he sees it, their birth mother wants Tony, but not him. Even though Tony has explained that things are not what they appear, Sammy is still hurt by this.

With Hannah, things are entirely different. We have a great relationship with her first adoptive parents. I admire them and their sacrifice for Hannah. They have twin boys that are her biological brothers. Hannah was aggressive with these boys, but they all still love each other. I consider us to be one large extended family. We communicate on a regular basis. There are birthdays coming up, and at the minimum cards and gifts will be sent.

Kory and Mackenzie were already biological siblings. Contact with their other siblings was very traumatic for Kory and the kids did not behave very well together, so it was more minimal than the other kids. They were free to write or call each other. They took advantage of this only a few times.

Whether or not you maintain contact with a biological family is a very personal decision, and not one to be taken lightly. In all of our cases, the kids were old enough to know that they had siblings and wanted the contact to continue.

At the very least it is a connection that is necessary in the event of a medical emergency. These children and parents have insight that we may someday need. Most kids that are old enough to remember their siblings are also old enough to tell you how they feel about continued contact.

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