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Sometimes when I talk to new foster and adoptive parents they are not ready to hear the reality of what the life we live is like. As I mentioned in a previous blog, it’s hard to explain the reality to people without scaring them away. There is a group of people, and I was among them, who are not ready to hear what more experienced parents have to say. Of course back when my husband and I adopted Sammy there were no pre-adoption classes and the internet was just getting going. We didn’t have the access to all the information that new parents have today.
I saw a friend from my days in the insurance industry over the weekend. I met his wife and they met Hannah. We got to talking about foster care and adoption and they told me about their niece, who was adopted from foster care two years ago.
This little girl is scared and is showing some major signs that she is scared and is sending clear signals that she is suffering from PTSD and residual fear from her abuse. The new parents see some of the signs, but do not feel that she needs help. Instead they feel that enough time in their home and enough love from them will heal her wounds. I’m here to tell you that is not usually the case.
Our kids have been hurt and need help to deal with all their forms of hurt. A woman who goes through rape or domestic violence is always encouraged to get therapy and join a support group. Why do we expect our children to get by with less? They cannot begin to know how to process what has happened to them. As adults we have years of experience with people and human nature. Our kids do not. Some of our kids were hurt even before they could speak or walk.
Other times parents don’t want to hear about the behaviors our kids can exhibit because of the hurt and abuse they have been through. They think “It won’t happen to me.” Just as there are no “perfect” parents, there are not “perfect” kids either. The child you foster or adopt will have behavioral issues. The degree of the issues is the great unknown.
Going blindly into this process will not help you or your child. Being fully aware of the warning signs and realistic about what you can expect will help your child. It is better to go in prepared for the worst and never have to deal with it than having on the rose colored glasses and no game plan when issues do arise, and they will.
If you know someone who is in the “not ready to hear it” category, be there when they need you. They can learn from your experience.
Yes I think my partner and I are not ready to hear it, though are son exhibits unusual emotional neediness. He is mature enough to swindle what he wants emotionally and even physically out of any adult within reach. We also believe we are giving generously as parents, however as of lately I know it will never be enough. It really sucks to wake up and know you have to face the neediest child in the world everyday – and I do think getting help is not only for the child but also a great help to parents.
I’m thinking of approaching the issue with my hubby of adopting a 6-year-old boy out of foster care. I’m a Special Ed teacher in an elementary school, and he’s a student in one of the 1st grade classes. He has some emotional issues that I feel able to deal with because of my Special Ed background, but my hubby doesn’t have the same education as me. Do you think this is a bad idea? He’s got some behavioral concerns related to his placement situation. He had a failed adoption in preschool and was sent back to foster care. He has been in 2 different foster families and seems to be finally relaxing and getting into the routine with this 1 foster mom. I feel bad to take him out of a stable environment as well; however, she is not intending to adopt him.
Any thoughts from people who have already been through this?
If your husband is willing to follow your lead and realize that this child will present challenges within the family that he probably hasn’t faced before, then it gives this little guy a chance to have a real family. You have to be together on this or it will hurt your relationship. These kids know how to triangulate….they’ve usually had lots of practice.