In my last blog I talked about how we can take things personally that aren’t about us at all. In this blog, I’m swinging the other direction. What about when you don’t feel “warm and fuzzy?”

There are kids that you never feel a “warm and fuzzy” connection with. Is it OK to feel that, or not feel it? Absolutely. Some kids can function much better in a home where they are not required to have a relationship where they give hugs and kisses to their parents or other family members. I’m not that kind of person. I hug my friends all the time and I hug my kiss my kids every day. For me, a child who did not have the same type of attitude would be very hard. Other parents are completely fine with it.

The differences in the type of parenting and the type of relationships are what makes some placements work, and others fail. Hannah is like me. She hugs and kisses all the time. Putting her in a family that doesn’t do that would make it very hard for her to succeed. With Sammy I have learned to ease up. As a growing teen, he is less about hugs and kisses than when he was a younger child.

There are still other kids who can be completely happy in a family where they are not completely “connected” to their parents. They value the consistency of knowing the family unit is there to support them, but too much intimacy can be incredibly scary. Forcing a child like this into a “warm and fuzzy” family will be a bad fit. You cannot force intimacy in anyone.

Families can connect without the outward appearances that others might expect. There are couples who from outward appearances you wouldn’t guess are happy or connected, but they have a marriage that works for them. Maybe the families share an interest in hiking, cooking together, or some other way that they stay connected. As long as the family is able to communicate, the basis for a good relationship is started.

When adding a new child to your family, think about your relationships and if you’ll be happy with a child who does respond in the way you might want to expect. If you are not into physical affection, how will you handle a child who needs hugs and kisses in order to feel safe and secure? If you are a person who greets everyone with a hug, how will you feel with a child who prefers to connect through conversation instead of cuddling on the couch? These are considerations that could be the difference between a good or a failed placement.


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