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I’ve noticed that the blogs that I have written about having doubts and negative feelings about your foster or adopted child have been the most viewed of everything I have written lately.
This tells me that there are a lot of stressed out parents out there. You’re looking for validation of your feelings and to know that you are not alone. I’m here to tell you that you are not.
Every parent has times that they feel stressed out with their children, and we are no exception. “Normal” parents are not dealing with the things that we are. They do not have children who have been traumatized in various sorts of ways, who have moved from home to home to home, who never know where they’re going to live from one day to the next or who have been exposed to drugs and alcohol and various mental illnesses.
We live with behaviors that most people don’t tolerate in adults. We hug these children, find services for them and try to have some semblance of a normal life. We do the best we can with what we have to work with.
Even when we’re dealing with the mild end of the behaviors, the day in and day out of the same behaviors is draining. Nancy Thomas calls them the “Chinese Water Torture” behaviors. They have the same effect. Imagine living with your partner and day after day you pick up the same dirty laundry off the floor, despite the fact that every day you ask your partner to put the dirty laundry in the hamper. How are you going to feel? Tired? Frustrated? Angry? Are your going to hug your partner and say “Thanks for throwing your dirty laundry on the floor day after day?” We get the same feelings towards our kids.
I tend to beat myself up when I feel like this. I feel like I should love my children and enjoy the time I have with them, but we are human.
Is it easy to love a child who is hurling curse words at you while you try to hug him or hold him through the latest memory? Absolutely not! Love the child who is stealing from you as soon as you turn your back? Some days you can barely like your child.
I fully understand that you feel completely isolated and most people around you don’t get what your life is like at all. You are afraid to talk to people around you because they say “all kids do that” and you just want to scream.
To those of you that are having these feelings, you are not alone. I truly understand and there are many others who do as well. Join the ATN list-serves to talk to other parents who get it as well. Don’t feel guilty for your feelings, but do reach out for help. There are plenty of parents who will listen.
I would like to contact my birth child now. I do not know exactly how to go about it. She will be an adult of 44 years old. I know where I was when I gave birth to her. She was adopted by an agency in Pennsyvania, Philladelphia. I do not know the agency. I do not know if the home where I was in is still there either. I need help here.
I am NOT wealthy and can not afford to spend a lot of money on detectives.