Our family is entering into unfamiliar territory. Sammy transitioned to a treatment foster home 2 weeks ago.



In the foster home there is a single mother who is probably in her late 50s or early 60s, and she has a female helper who lives there in her own “apartment”. These women are now the primary caregivers of my son.

I knew how to handle relationships when Sammy was in residential placement. The rules were very structured and outlined in writing ahead of time. Now he is in a home setting. Life is far different.

In some respects, I have become like the step-mother. I don’t have primary “control” over my son. Someone else does his homework with him, handles school issues, and handles most of the discipline.

I am now deferring to someone else’s rules. It’s a little strange. When Sammy is home, I still enforce the rules of our house, but know that they may be different than the foster mother’s.

Here’s an example. Sammy was home less than an hour yesterday when he came in and informed me that he promised his girlfriend that he’d call her when he got home. This didn’t sit well with me for several reasons.

1) The fact that he informed me, rather than using manners and asking politely.

2) We have 48 hours together to be a family.

3) He had just spent the morning “walking around town” with the girlfriend.

4) The sense of entitlement. These are long distance calls which he just assumed that we would pay for.

It is important for Sammy’s sake that the foster mother and I are consistent in how we handle things. This is not an issue that I had anticipated, so we hadn’t discussed it yet. So I wonder…. What her views on these relationships? How much time are the kids allowed to spend together? What are they allowed to do together?

The foster mother comes highly recommended by someone I respect greatly. It set my mind at ease before the placement even became official. She has been doing this for a number of years. There are three other boys in the house besides Sammy. They seem to be well behaved and respectful when I am there, but I do know that kids can be charming in front of other people. Sammy has not talked about any conflicts with the other boys, and he is very quick to complain about the behavior of others.

This leads me down the path of another thought. If this relationship is tricky for me as a logical adult (don’t laugh) to handle, what is it like for Sammy? He has difficulty navigating one family. Now he essentially has three moms, one dad, one sister, and three brothers.

If any of the readers out there have been down this path, please share your wisdom.