Nature vs. Nurture seems to be in the news every week now. I’m reading about foster parents being given preference to adopt children, over bio-family. And on the flip I also hear a lot of buzz about children being taken from a foster family and given over to bio-family they may have never seen or met.

Experts are trying to find creative answers. Some Canadian courts have now forced visitations for bio-siblings (over the wishes of adoptive parents) to encourage faster adoptions for those ‘stuck’ in foster care.

This bio-family vs foster-family seems to be one of the hottest issues in fost-adopt today. I've even started a whole category on my blog around this very issue. And I can't seem to resolve it in my mind.

Why does it have to be an us vs them thing? Maybe as open adoptions become more prevalent, this push/pull/tug will give way to loving the children? Can we, as adoptive mothers also love and welcome the birth mothers into our families - maybe just in spirit? We know sometimes it wouldn't be safe, or prudent or possible to have an open adoption in the truest sense. For our children though, should the birth mothers be alive and well in our stories? Or should the cold hard truth always be told? Where is the middle ground? Or isn't there one?

Boy do I have questions. Must we fight over custody of children? How did we get into this sorry state of affairs? Can we can all put our differences aside and do what is best for the children? Can we just all get along?

I doubt it. Here's why?

We disagree with what is best for our children. Some therapists, judges, professional and parents take a stand that blood should take precedence in almost any circumstance. Others say spanking is a form of abuse and children should be removed from the home. It is all perspective, experiences and beliefs. We all insist we are the experts in raising our children......and of course, we are.

Look at any divorcing couple. No doubt both parents love their children and only want the best, yet children get tugged, pulled, yanked, back and forth between homes, visits and custodial battles. When it comes to parenting, everyone wants to do it the right way - their way.

Unfortunately there isn’t a clear answer. Open adoptions facilitate smooth transitions in some cases. Spending more money in programs that support bio-family and especially birth mothers, helps - sometimes. Understanding attachment and keeping children in the same home whenever possible - helps. But none of it fixes the problems that bring children into foster care and eventually, adoption. Poverty, drugs, poor parenting skills, abusive cycles.

In a perfect world, everyone would get pregnant exactly at the right moment for them. Parents would have every resource to bring up their child(ren) in a healthy nurturing environment. Governments would spend more on family planning, teenage pregnancy, poverty issues. We would only have orphanages when parents and extended family are deceased. Orphanages would be very transitional - temporary living situations. All children would be adopted. Waiting children and photo listings would be obsolete.

Sound utopian? I have a dream....

Opps. Time to wake up now.