I have written to judges on several occasions. The first time I ever did was when we were going through the very lengthy wait for Kory and Mackenzie’s termination of parental rights(TPR). Their worker actually advised me to do this so that the judge could see that there was a family who wanted to adopt them.

You can do this as well. If you are a waiting family, write to the judge who will be handling the TPR for your child. The advice I received was to make the letter about the children, and to make them “come to life.” For most kids, they are just names on a court docket or in a file. The judges and others who are involved with the TPR, do not know anything about the kids. Include a picture of your family. It helps if there is a face with a name. They become human and real when someone has to look at their face and their eyes.

Detail your family life, both the joys and the struggles. Explain why it’s in the child’s best interest to have permanency, TPR and adoption. Always approach things from how it will benefit your child, rather than you or your family.

I have also written to the judge when Sammy has had to appear in court. My letters to the judge are not what you would expect. I encouraged him to be harder on the consequences he imposed on Sammy. I also explained Sammy’s background, all the interventions we had taken, other “crimes” he had committed that had gone without “punishment” such as the damage to our home, physical violence toward me, and others.

This is the copy of the letter I sent for Sammy’s first jail sentencing. It provides both my feelings, as well as the things we have done to help him. You can use this same approach in a TPR letter.

You are schedule to have a sanction hearing regarding my son, on October 31, 2005.

Before you do so, please allow me a chance to speak.

I am not asking you to “go easy” on him, or reduce the time requested by social services. I am asking just the opposite. Please impose the full time requested.

You see, I live my life in a battle zone. The potential to be physically and emotionally abused by my son exists daily. There is nothing that is safe in our home. If he wants it, he takes it. I have lost money, jewelry, office supplies, books, and anything else you can possibly imagine.

Imagine for a moment that you take a sexual predator, and lock that predator in a cell with his/her victim. How would the victim feel? That is how I feel living in this daily battle zone.

My son did not get this way on his own. He was victimized for several years by his birth-mother. As I am writing this, you are scheduled to have her in your court on drug charges and bail jumping charges. She physically, sexually and emotionally abused him. He was the victim, who has now become the perpetrator.

I have loved him, nurtured him, provided structure, kept him safe, tried to teach him right from wrong, and shown him what families have to offer.

He has rejected each and every one of these things. We have been through countless therapists, psychologists, counselors, and doctors, and even a psychiatric hospital stay trying to find the right treatment for him. The best success we have ever had, has been through our attachment therapist. Earlier this month she stated that in 18 months of therapy, she has never seen a true emotion from him, nor has she been able to reach his core.

He is comfortable in the emotional place that he has created. Some of his issues are true chemical imbalances in his brain. I accept that and work with the psychiatrist to every extreme possible to take care of those. I am so immune to those issues that they bother other people more than they bother me.

However, when I hear from other people what an incredibly charming, respectful, helpful, pleasant child he is when on school trips, at Sunday School, in the courtroom, I know these are not chemical issues. He has the ability to control his behaviors, and chooses not to. He chooses to continue to live in the war zone.

I am battle weary. I have done battle for six and a half years. Our attachment therapist told us earlier this month to mentally prepare for Sammy ending up in a residential treatment center. This is a fact I began to prepare for about a year ago. It is not what I want for my son, but I can no longer continue to live with my attacker.

We have installed locks and alarms on doors and things that we need to protect. We have security cameras in our home. He steals the keys when we’re not looking and gets into things anyway. There is no safe or secure place in our home at all.

We are hoping and praying that jail is the “wake up call” that he needs to decide to get his life on track. If it’s not, then I fear there is nothing that will do it. As a parent, I don’t want to see my child in jail, but as a parent, I know we can not continue like this.

If I sound like a tired and frustrated Mom, it’s because I am. I have given Sammy everything from the deepest part of my heart. No parent would dream of a life like this, however he is the son that God gave me, and I want a good life for him.

None of the consequences imposed by myself or my husband, or the court have mattered to him so far. Please help me to try to reach Sammy and give him the good life he deserves.

Thank you for your consideration.

If you are a waiting family, write to your judge. If you know a waiting family, write on their behalf. If you have not yet started the process, write on the behalf of all the waiting kids. Just write, so that the court understands what these long waits do to our kids.

Photo credit