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If you are a pre-adoptive parent, you are dreaming of having a child in your home for the holidays. I know the dream; I had it too.
Moving a child is hard on the child no matter when the move happens, but moving at the holidays is twice as hard.
If at all possible, a child should not be moved at the holidays. Sometimes it must be done for the welfare of the child or the parents, but it’s usually a bad idea. I have written several blogs about how anniversaries affect our kids. Most of the time, the anniversary doesn’t have big bells that remind the child that this is their move date, but they still know. If a child is moved around a major holiday, there is a constant reminder each year.
Hannah moved in with us two days after Christmas last year. Her previous family made every attempt possible to not do this, but it had to happen. Even though she is excited about Christmas, you can tell there are parts of her that are remembering this time last year. Her “internal clock” doesn’t need to tell her what’s going on. All the Christmas ads remind her. Hannah was tanking big time, and was pushing her mom away as much as possible. She was “mom shopping” on a regular basis, and pushed every button possible. I know it’s going through her mind, because I can see it in her behaviors.
For so many kids, the holidays are a mixed emotion time anyway. What were the holidays in their birth family like? Were they happy, or was it a source of argument and bad memories? The holidays bring reminders that the kids are not with their birth family. Even if the times were horrible, it is still a reminder.
Doing transitional visits is another issue. Is it best to start them before or during the holidays, or wait until after? That one is a toss up. Your child may still have anniversary “triggers” if visits are done during the holidays, but spending time with the “new” family, knowing that the safety net of the foster home is in place, may make things easier for the child. You could “split the difference” and have a transition visit take place on Christmas Eve, but have the child spend Christmas Day with the foster family. In this day and age of divorced and blended families, it’s not that unusual. This may allow your child to have some of the fun, without feeling all of the pressure.
Again, there are times when a child must be moved during or around the holidays. Sometimes it just can’t be helped. What we are doing with Hannah is reminding her daily that she is staying with us, that she it is OK to feel anxious, and otherwise helping her name her feelings. We don’t avoid it, we confront it head on. We talk regularly about what our family traditions are, and we are working to build new ones with her. We are all looking forward to our first Christmas with our daughter, but we understand it’s a hard time for her too.
Do what is in the best interest of the child.
Two of my sons came home just before christmas, not a good way to go. A practical advantage for the parent is getting the new child up to speed, he needs a bike and a skateboard to fit in, and here is a reason to give those gifts. Emotionally it is too much, he misses the holliday with the family he knows, and is now living stressfully with strangers. One of the boys had to move, he not only was a Christmas placement, visitation was very abreviated, reallt hard on him. Great post Kelly. John