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We are all well aware that Mother’s Day is coming up. Whether you’re looking forward to it, or dreading it, it is everywhere.
With all the focus on Moms and the reminders to our kids that they’re not with their birth mothers, I got to wondering about single dads. What is this day like for them? So, I asked them. I have a couple of friends who are great single dads.
I posed a couple of simple questions to them:
How does Mother’s Day affect you, or does it?
How does it affect your kids?
Any words of wisdom or thoughts that you’d like to share with other single dads?
Here were there responses, which I think are great.
The first one is from a dad who has several boys. Some in the house, and some out on their own.
Actually, my sons recognize that I am “mother and father”. They think it is funny to tell me “Happy Mother’s Day”. I begrudglingly “growl” at them, making them laugh even louder.
Mother’s Day is handled as I deal with all holidays, low key. I recognize the boys have had “other” lives in the past. I do not know all of the memories these special days bring. I know on Mother’s Day, children always think of their mothers. It is natural. Some try to remember something good, others just try to remember what she looked like. I always stay very family oriented during this time and available to listen…not talk.
The other response is from a dad with two boys. One has been with him for a while, and the other is a recent placement.
In our house, Mother’s Day is a very low key affair. C has always had some “mom issues”, so it was easier to just soft-pedal the day. M has a very negative relationship with his mother, so I’m not sure what Sunday will bring.
I think these men are very wise, and handle the day in the best interests of their boys.
This also brought about another thought about the married dads. I know that my husband struggles with how to handle Mother’s Day. We have tried everything possible. He has made a big deal out of the day, and he has tried to keep it low key, and everything in between. He has taken the kids shopping for gifts and cards, and he has let the day pass without taking them anywhere. The past 8 years have passed with pretty much the same results. Anger at me for being the wrong mom.
So, as difficult as it is for us as the target of the outrage, it is equally difficult for the men in our lives; Whether it’s as a single dad, or as the partner trying to figure out how to keep the kids from “ruining” the day.
Equally difficult for the men is dealing with our emotions. I have been having a bad week. Yesterday I realized it is because I have been waiting and anticipating the Mother’s Day “bomb” going off on Sunday. Sammy will not be home for the weekend. Our plans were/are to go see him at his treatment foster home. This holds about as much appeal to me as having a Brazilian wax done. Do I want to spend part of my day in the car going to see a child who may just be spewing venom at me?
I posed this question on the Adoption.com forum, and got some great responses. You can read them here. I also posed the question to the new in-home therapist that have. He asked me an interesting question. What would Sammy say if we asked him what he wanted to do? I had to think about it for a minute, but then the answer came quickly. If there was something in it for him (going out to lunch, or going shopping) he’d be all for it. If we were just going for a visit in the foster home, he probably wouldn’t want to be bothered.
The therapist then said “Ask him what he wants, if he says come up, then do. If it goes badly and he says ‘Why did you even come up here’ you can remind him that it was HIS choice.”
I don’t know what my husband’s going to plan, and I’m not even sure what I want to do, but I know he’s in a tough spot.
Here’s to all you dad who will be struggling through Mother’s Day as well, and to those who are both mother and father to their child.
