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One of the main things with our kids is that they need to feel safe. This is something that Hannah and her previous family said often. When she moved into our home, we told her on a regular basis that it was our job to keep her safe.
I actually started this with Hannah when she first came here as a “respite kid.” She was within my line of sight at all times, I put an alarm on her bedroom door to let her know if anyone entered her room, and I did not fall into her games.
A feeling of safety is one of the ways that you can tell a child is attaching to you. Kids don’t attach to people that they can’t trust, and safety is the key to trust. A child will not trust anyone that they don’t feel can keep them safe, especially when they have the backgrounds that our kids do.
When I introduce Hannah to someone that she will be spending time with, such as a teacher or a friend’s parents, or someone from church, I stress that this is a person I know and trust and that will keep her safe. If I forget to add that the person will keep her safe, she will bring it to my attention. She doesn’t miss much.
One of the ways that I knew that Hannah completely trusted me to keep her safe was when we were out in a restaurant and she was tired. She crawled up in my lap and fell asleep. Kids who do not feel safe would be hyper vigilant watching for the next predator or abuser that they would not allow themselves to sleep no matter how tired they are.
Yesterday my husband left for his annual Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) conference. Last year when he left, Hannah had only been with us for a month. She was unsure what to make of Daddy leaving. This year she is sure that he will be back and that she will be safe with me. We are also enjoying some “girl time” together. Tuesday night she took advantage of her last night with Daddy, and got some final cuddle time in before he left. She was very tired, but forced herself to stay awake so she could enjoy her time with Daddy. Within a short time in his lap, she was happily and safely asleep. When he carried her to bed she didn’t move.
This is what we strive for with our kids. The ability to be able to trust, feel safe, and just be kids. It’s a beautiful thing when it works.
Photo credit – Hannah asleep in her Daddy’s lap
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Hi…
She is a beautiful little girl if you don’t mind me asking how old is she and how long have you been caring/helping her? And was it hard adjusting at first for the both of you you?
She is 6 and has been with us just over a year.
The adjustment wasn’t terribly hard because she had been here for respite 3 times before she moved in as our daughter.
She has come a long way in a year.
Do you still do foster care? We adopted a little girl (8). We’ve had her for two years. We love her so much and she has come so far, but has had a real set back. We are her 13th placement. We recently had a foster child to leave that had been with us for 13 months and I think it brought back a lot of memories. She went to live with grandparents out of state and had to say goodbye to her mom and sister. Have you had much dealings with RAD?