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I have blogged before about the tenuous relationship with my family members, especially my mother. The truth is, my mother is an alcoholic. In her mind she is not since she does not drink during the day, but she drinks every single night and being drunk is a regular occurrence.
I can’t remember a time when alcohol was not a focus in our home. I heard the stories for years about my biological great-grandfather, who I never met, who abused my great-grandmother and held a gun to the head of my grandmother when she was quite young. I don’t mind that I never met him.
Growing up the drinking in my family was a regular thing. Every family event revolved around alcohol and being intoxicated was not unusual. When my mother was drunk, she bounced between overly emotional, usually crying, and violent. She was already abusive without alcohol and adding alcohol didn’t make things any better.
Recently a friend gave me Robyn McGraw’s book, “Inside My Heart” to read. I was skeptical since I am not a fan of her husband, Dr. Phil. However, I was pleasantly surprised and there was one part that resonated so deeply with me. Robyn talks about growing up with her alcoholic father. She then talks about avoiding confrontation and how children and spouses of alcoholics avoid confrontation. She hit the nail on the head. Both my father and I avoid confrontation at all costs. I have gotten stronger over the years and have learned how to stand up for myself. For years I wondered why my father was like this, but as I pondered what Robyn wrote, it all fell into place. When you live with an alcoholic and an abusive alcoholic at that, you do everything you can to avoid the confrontations and the violence. You walk on eggshells, watch you say and work hard not to anger that person.
Having lived through it, I can tell you this is no way to live and the attitude it gives you as an adult is not the best for your well being. When our kids learn not to stand up for themselves they become victims yet again. Our kids are strong in so many ways. They didn’t survive everything they have been through by being weak. However, the ability to be strong for yourself and not just survive is what our kids need to learn. When you have spent your life, even if it’s only a few short years, avoiding conflict it is hard to learn that sometimes you do need to have conflict.
For years I knew that I avoided conflict but I never knew why. I just knew that it scared me to death. Most of the time I feel safe enough to voice my opinion with my husband, but there are times that I still hold back and let things fester. Our kids do this as well. They keep all their feelings bottled up inside because they don’t feel safe enough to let them out. Feeling safe is the key to allowing our kids to vent those feelings that have kept bottled up for so long.
Living with an alcoholic has long lasting effects. You can help your child overcome them.
