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Do you really like talking about sex with your kids? When is the right age to talk about it? How much information do you give? What if your child has been sexually abused? What if your child knows more about sex than you do?
Dealing with sex with a “normal” child is hard. Throw in the complications of a child who has been sexually abused, has witnessed sex, or may be a perpetrator, and you have a conundrum you’d probably rather avoid.
Our sex talks with Sammy began very early. At five years old, his knowledge was quite extensive. I knew about his abuse and had a pretty good grasp as the extent of it, but one day it really sank in. I was watching a show about animals and they were about to show some baby elephants. I called Sammy in the room to watch with me. Well, he arrived a few seconds too soon and witnessed something I hadn’t anticipated. The male elephant was mounting the female. Sammy looked at me and very calmly asked “Is that the daddy on top of the mommy?” I got it very quickly.
When Sammy first came to our home, he had some very distorted views of sex, as well as a male/female relationship. He did not want my husband and I to even see each other naked, because in his mind, that meant he would see us naked, and see far more than he wanted to. We had very frank discussions about what a relationship between a man and woman SHOULD be like, and that whatever happened between us would happen behind closed doors and he would not be present.
Slowly our discussions evolved into how babies are made, abstinence, and various other topics. Sammy is very comfortable asking me questions and sometimes they are far more than I want to know or hear, but I am glad he is comfortable.
Making sex a taboo subject in your home can have dire consequences, especially if you have a child who has been sexually abused, or witnessed things they shouldn’t have.
Here are some statistics on teen pregnancy and promiscuity from the Darkness to Light website.
• Children who have been victims of sexual abuse exhibit long-term and more frequent behavioral problems, particularly inappropriate sexual behaviors.
• Women who report childhood rape are 3 times more likely to become pregnant before age 18.
• An estimated 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. The average age of their offenders is 27 years.
• Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous.
• More than 75% of teenage prostitutes have been sexually abused.
Talking to a sexually abused child should follow the same guidelines as a “normal” child, but there are a few exceptions.
• Remind them that what happened to them or what they saw is not the way that sex is supposed to be.
• Reassure them regularly that what happened to them is not their fault.
• Remind them that just because they were abused, doesn’t mean that they will be an abuser.
• Even children who have not been abused will sometimes equate sex and love. Be clear to your child that they will not gain love through sex.
• Reinforce that their bodies are still special and to respect it. In my own case I felt that my virginity had already been taken from me, so what was the big deal.
I am hopeful that Sammy will talk to me when he feels that he is ready to begin having sex. We have discussed diseases (which is his biggest fear right now, and I’m thankful for that), the risk involved with a possible pregnancy each time anyone has sex, and the fact that it SHOULD be something that happens when you are married. Whether he will follow through with these values remains to be seen.
Most of all, don’t be afraid to talk to your child, and answer questions with honesty.
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Having raised two kids to successful adulthood, may I be allowed to mention that explaining other ways to take the edge off … so to speak … can also help? As kids move into teen years, it can be very helpful for them to know that some of their urges can be attended to in ways that don’t harm anyone, and if they hear this from parents, the information is less likely to come with embellishments that are less helpful.
Boy, it sure is hard to write about this stuff while leaving out the nitty-gritty, isn’t it …
Oh we’ve had those discussions as well. I wasn’t sure I could word it quite as delicately as you did Sandra, so I left that part up to imagination.
Well, no doubt about where my imagination goes, then, is there?
Just as an aside, “party of one” has a certain meaning in my family that has nothing to do with restaurants.
With two aunts having babies a cat having kittens and watching the nativity movie (bad idea) My Daughter had lots of questions at 4. She knows how they get out but not how they get it. She doesn’t want one.