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Jealousy can be a major issue in foster care and adoption and it can come in various forms and at many stages during the process. Don’t think you are a jealous person? That may change once you get started.
Let’s explore some the different “types” of jealousy.
Jealous of parents with placement – When you are the parents waiting for a placement watching other parents that you have gone through pre-adoption classes with or other friends that you have, taking placement of their child while your home sits empty, jealousy can come in. This is a normal emotion. There may be feelings of “Why did they get chosen and not us?” or “What makes them better parents?” The logical part of your brain will tell you that it’s not a case of which couple is better than the other, but many times when you are anxiously waiting the logical part of your brain is not working. The emotional part takes over and this is where the jealousy comes in.
Jealousy of biological kids toward adopted kids – Chances are the children that are new to your home will receive a lot of attention, whether it’s because they are new children to the family, or because they have special needs that need extra attention. If there are other children in the house, there may be jealousy issues of why this new child is receiving so much attention, especially if the other child was the child receiving the most attention, or all of the attention. The emotions involved can run between jealousy and anger. This is an issue to be aware of and discuss with other children already in the house before you accept a placement.
Jealousy of adopted kids toward biological kids – If you have biological children in your home, your foster or adopted children may develop jealousy toward them. Your biological children have memories with you that your adopted child can never have. You can tell the birth story of your biological child, or when you found out you were pregnant. You got to see all the firsts with your biological child that you didn’t with your adopted child. These differences and deficits can become great chasms. While you will have stories to tell you adopted child such as the day you found out they were joining your family, or the adoption day, it’s not the same as what you share with your biological child.
Jealousy toward biological parents or previous foster parents – Sometimes this jealousy comes from insecurity. Realistically, hearing about previous parents on a regular basis can be hard. If your child is saying things that you feel are meant to be critical, it is even harder. Many children talk about the “good” times that they had in previous families. Sometimes those memories are accurate, and other times they are not. There are things that these families have shared with our children that we will never be able to share. First steps, first words, even things like the first time at the zoo. Always having to be the “second” parent can wear on you. Hearing that a previous mom made better macaroni and cheese than you do, or that another mom let your child have a privilege that you don’t, or that your family traditions are different from previous families, all of these can chip away at your confidence.
You may think you are immune to jealousy, but it can creep in at times that are very unexpected. Being aware of it can help you recognize it when it does creep in.
