Inside the minds of our kids with birth families

I’m having one of those days where I get inside the minds of our kids a little bit. Lots of things have been going on and if I wasn’t the mom, I’d run away for a little while. Unfortunately, I’m expected to be responsible.

Part of the issue I didn’t see for what it was. A couple of people pointed it out to me. I had some PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) moments, along with several other feelings.

This past weekend I spent a lot of time out and about in our community. That’s not something I really do anymore. I’m usually involved in activities with our church, which is about 20 miles away.

However, this weekend I wanted to support our friends, who re-opened their business after a fire destroyed it on December 27, 2006. Doing so put me in proximity to my family, who had also attended. I saw several family members who I do not talk to anymore. Read here for why.

Simply seeing them set me on edge. It wasn’t anger, just a desire to not be around them. I also saw my niece and nephew, who do not even know who I am. This lead to some depression on my part, as well as a desire to spend time with them and get to know them.

These feelings gave me some insight into how our kids feel when they have a visit with birth family members. Sometimes our kids want the visits, and other times they go kicking and screaming (yes, sometimes literally). I had several opportunities to have to take my kids for visits with their birth mom, and it was not something they wanted. When Kory was leaving the visit, I was carrying him, and he turned and said “Goodbye, yucky mom.” During Mackenzie’s visits, she cried most of the time, and I could no longer be present for the visits because it hurt me too much to hear it.

I’m an adult, and I knew family members would be present, but I made the decision to attend anyway, because it was important to me to offer my support. But, what about our kids who don’t have a choice if they visit their birth families, or you can’t adequately explain what’s going to happen, who they’re going to see, or why it’s only a temporary thing?

Kory’s birthmom would tell the kids elaborate stories about how they were going to be together again, the house she was going to buy for them and all the amenities it would have. This just got the kids’ hopes up and crushed them further when it didn’t happen. It also prevented the kids from really being able to let go and bond with the parents they were with.

Birth family relationships can be tricky to negotiate in the best of circumstances. The lives our kids come from are anything but ideal. Being able to give them the words to describe their feelings goes a long way to helping them heal.

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